Hue of the Moment

Today Purple was broken,

the hurdle misspoken.

Lies I'm only hinting

There's no one that I'm missing.

Yesterday, no orange star shining,

Just darkness blinding.

Only loss and ache... a chosen  mistake. 

Today yellow is hiding,

this mellow subsiding.

Flailing and pathetic,

Longing to be synthetic.

Tomorrow red is falling,

out the head and crawling.    

Empty and rejected, fully connected.

Blue, gasping... drowning...

No rebounding.

Waves crash against my bones,

I'm standing upon your stone.

Taking the writing challenge using the phrase: "The Night Inside Me"

Embrace transcendence; but tread so lightly.

The co-dependence, stand right beside me

Deniable perturbance, it feeds the mighty.

The real disturbance; the night inside me

But the dark calamity won't deny me. 

Oh... to long, 

for a bond  - 

with the strong, the sightly Knight beside me. 

Let the kite glide free, with a fool who might be, 

holding on tightly... don't abide thee

The days of light be, bright with spite- relying blindly 

on the the sun; but we're spun... 

and there is no ride free. 

The night inside, is not calm and quiet. 

It's a cricket riot. 

So I wait with the bait, 

and stand up just and rightly,

 but I only might be. 

10/8/23

Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko 

Always appreciate what you have

Are we allowed to appreciate and want more..... or less? 

Less living for others. Less bullshit. Less expense. Less screaming. Less loneliness. Less heat. Less hunger. Less regret. Less depression. Less anxiety. Less having less or not enough. Less guilt. 

Dear Dead Person

Dear Dead Person,

What happened? What was it like? What IS it like? Could I have saved you? Did you want to be saved? Did you leave anything for me to find? Did I find it? Is Baby Kitty with you? Did you send me those songs? Do you visit me? Will you be there when I get there? Could I have saved you? Do you forgive me? 

Regret

Finding old notebooks 

and letters I wrote, 

Me telling you off in scribbled notes.

Poems-a-plenty, 

angry and mean....

I thought you were empty 

and I was unseen.

I'm finding the clues 

and remember your words. 

It's all what what you'd choose 

and what's now occured. 

The loss that you brought, 

the loss that I've known.

I bitched and I fought,

And through it we'd grown. 

Now that you've left, 

in such a horrible way,

This pain in my chest 

has nothing to say.

Everything I don't have...

Everything I don't have I owe to him. I was asked if there was anything I could send to his daughter of his and the sad thing is, very little and she can definitely have it. As sentimental as he would sometimes be, he lived in a vacuum focused on his constant hand to mouth obsessions, all his addiction, the effort he put into not sharing with anybody but me. His fear of silence that would lead to hours into years of wasted time and focus. He was hiding from regret, from rejection, from his own soul. 

RIP Todd Avery

Todd was a quick witted loving skillful complicated man who loved and lived and hoped and tried.  He was still growing up at 59 and if  I knew 2 weeks or 16 years ago what he really went through before I met him I might have understood him better. He hid behind a facade from his pain and the rejection, a facade like a vacuum,  keeping everyone at a distance . Everyone but a very select few, including me and I didn't recognize he loved me the best he knew how to .  I could always talk to him, he made me laugh more than anyone else ever. When nobody else was there, he was. But it was time for him to go home long ago but he didn't feel worthy, and he didn't know how. He couldn't bear rejection, and he assumed no one cared. But he learned that wasn't true, and he finally found someone who could fly him there, that would welcome him when he got there. He was looking forward to being near his daughter and being there for her,  he was actually happy. Then this tragedy happened, now his seat home is empty. These are the saddest days I've ever known. He was my best friend and i should have valued him more , I should have told him I loved him the last time we talked. He will be missed I hope he finally feels the love, I hope his soul can finally feel the warmth and his heart aches no more. I love you Todd Avery with all my heart. You will not be forgotten. Fuck em all anyways, it's your world. Once upon a time your embrace engulfed my soul, I hope the love has finally reached yours and the peace of painlessness washes over you and sets you free. 

Parasitic

Just sucking the life out of me, consuming energy. Taking and taking, home entered now breaking. Disregarding, unrewarding, hollow. Adolescent senior citizen, intellectually narrow. Joy mucking, soul sucking self fucking pit of waste. Wasted time, wasted youth, wasted money wasted truth. Entitled with intent, to strip me of every moment, never silent just content to avoid guilt while draining the innocent. An all intrusive bystander, intolerant reprimander self serving demander, malignant cancer. The capacity of a metric ton of audacity, the everything sapped from me, existing here just safe and sound in apathy. 

Personal Prediction

I predict that I will pass away in the first or second week of April 2031. Obviously it'll be due to my heart just popping or something like that. 🚬That is if we survive apophis 🌜 ☄️🌎 that huge comet that's coming to whiz right by us and put the wind in our hair in 2029. I don't know but, if you ask me, something that large and going that fast, coming between the Moon and the Earth....? So, yeah... it's probably going to hit us.  If it doesn't hit us it's really going to disturb the whole balance of what we got going on here. So .. if we survive that, I believe I probably won't live past mid April 2031. I will be 61 years old. That's younger than my dad was when he passed away but older than some of my exes that have already passed away. Now let's check it, if you've read it this far I really am aware that this, this is a really depressing subject. Thank you for reading... all one or two of you (which is really just me checking back in on my unplugged shit that nobody reads). I know I can put all the stuff on Facebook but I don't like to cuz it's that immediately immediate whatever. Myspace deleted my blog and Yahoo deleted all my emails!!! Fuck Yahoo! Give it a reason to cry ... 🎶 Faahhk yooooooohoo! 🔊🎶🪦

it's a wrap

Can we discuss a move out date...?No, no- not to retaliate - my hate. So this is great - oh wait! You found a way to frustrate. Now it's set on spin, can we discuss someone to chip in? but not just be tripping... right now I'm flipping, the stone be skipping, I can't get a grip and...I'm losing my mind.