HAPPINESS OVER REGRET
My life doesn’t have to stand for the many disappointments I have faced. If I could shed light on the world on how peace, joy, laughter and smiles are attained through choices, I’d achieve a success far beyond my previous hopes. I would have to find it within me to be more effective, proficient in the art of verbally communicating so I could share this basic truth with others. I must first walk it before I can talk it. The past is done and cannot be altered so letting go is paramount. Constructive venting of negative thoughts and energy is vital to healing and growth. So I first choose to do just that.
I have to get things off my chest and onto paper. I need to unload, so to speak. This part of me will never change, though it has transcended, expanded and contracted. It is alive as it breathes through me as if I am an implement, a smoke delivery device. It draws in deep and remains there in the very cavity my lonely heart dwells in until it becomes completely toxic, requiring to be expelled from within as it spills out with a short-lived sigh of relief. (Or, it might be gas caused from all the: “Me I could’ve Been-Salad” I’ve been cramming down my neck!)
I realize that thinking about the past is silly. That yesterday is irrelevant. I should totally be feeling this but sometimes, I’m not. I’m not always convinced. Is the past gone? It isn’t easy to say to myself, “Hey, live and learn!” “Grow from here!” Life is now and the moments yet to come that I am destined, (or am I doomed?), to pass in. I will greet each day with a positive attitude and pro-activity coursing through my veins. I will be there with fricking bells on, right?
The last 14,275 days of bad decisions, reactions, no-actions, forgotten ideas, distracted plans, wasteful ways, self destruction and, lack of a solid true love/relationship has brought me to where I am today. Does any of it add up to a happy yesterday story? I made it through 469 full moons, 38 Christmas’, and 20 Mother’s Days. I’ve smoked damn near 20,000 cigarettes and sat on a toilet at least 40,000 times and could have chosen to consume all 20,556,698 minutes with regret. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Friday’s child is in perpetual rest and restlessness. Sunday’s child will choose to shine.
I could be enveloped in the smoke of my own burning delirium, scattered with the ashes and the cinders of sanity, confronting shadows and only implicating thoughts. My creativity would be illusive and peace nary a vision. I would have forgotten my purpose, my passion, my smile; and that happiness is a state of mind. I choose to take on instead of take off, go within – not without, and let go of that which I have no control over.
I believe that once grown and out of the nest, no matter how that nest had raised and nurtured us, our state of mind, peace and happiness or whatever we find in life is completely and ultimately up to us alone. We hold 98% of power over our own lives – no one else does. Not even God has that power over us. We must choose it or it will not be. The most damaging surrender of power is when we fail to rise above disappointment or abuse continuing to live wounded and victimized regardless of how far in the past it is.
Staying true to one’s own self and well being and letting go. Consistently living purposeful and consciously, is courageous living that doesn’t usually come easily. However, it is a choice and a gift that shines light on life. One can’t control actions or events brought on by others but we can choose how we react to, perceive, or learn from them. It is ironic in that it is so simplistic yet, the most complicated, hard as hell, lesson to actually learn, live and apply to everyday life.
Although the rationale within me would not have it any other way, it is difficult to accept that I cannot expect or demand anything of another. How they behave, or how they treat and relate to me is their choice - alone. I do have the power to choose to conduct myself at a level of behavior with compassion for others as well as myself. I have the power to smile inside and out by changing my perception of any given situation. I can choose where I will be and when. How I get there and whose company I keep. What I want, do and have are choices I make, as well. Therefore, I also choose success and happiness over pain and regret.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Bleeding Love ... NO SHIT!!!!!!!
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
leona lewis
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
leona lewis
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Your Face... oh Your Face!!!!
If only I wasn't such a window licking, chatter boxing poopie head, I might have just chilled and gone with the flow instead of pushing you away when you are sooo my favorite (non-related) person right now. You are/were good to me. If you come back and tell me to shutta... we could wallow in laughter and occasionally each other again - with out putting a title on this chapter. It doesn't need one anyway in the grand scheme of things and nothings.
Have you heard that? I heard that!!
I promise I won't love you.
Have you heard that? I heard that!!
I promise I won't love you.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
This Could Be Bad
You're breaking the silence
and waking the beast
Making it hungry
... then letting it feast
Your mouth as it lingered
Your body, your skin
I was lost in the tingling
You were drinking me in
Follow me after
You've fallen some more
We'll wallow in laughter
We'll throw out the score
Circles of spoken
and Unspoken notions
I feel like I'm floating
Adrift in your ocean
and waking the beast
Making it hungry
... then letting it feast
Your mouth as it lingered
Your body, your skin
I was lost in the tingling
You were drinking me in
Follow me after
You've fallen some more
We'll wallow in laughter
We'll throw out the score
Circles of spoken
and Unspoken notions
I feel like I'm floating
Adrift in your ocean
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Mel’s Life - An Update
I began think it’s about time I post an actual “Mel’s Life” update. This year marks a brand new chapter in my life. I actually get to start over where I had never started in the first place. For the first time in my life I actually have the opportunity to achieve, what most 18 year olds embark upon; an education. (Somewhat poignant that this is also the year that my daughter, my youngest, turned 18)
Out of a near tragedy (a curse, if you will), came blessings. My father’s cancer is thankfully, miraculously in remission. What once was bleak and ominous is bright and promising. Currently I am free to get back to my life.
Papa is fully self-sufficient and interestingly has become a “playa”. He’s gone on more dates in the past couple months than I have in the past 6 years, or more, with many different women. But I digress.
Now, having spent every day after Feb. 25th, ‘07 with Dad, I consequently had no income last year. I even missed out on the stimulus checks. Nevertheless, financial aid did Not hesitate to approve me. See? Bleak… turned promising. I have registered for classes beginning September 2nd and those fees have been covered already. I am working towards an ultimate goal while meeting short term ones in the process. I’ve been an Admin assistant for years but found myself spirally down into $10.00/hr hell. With a degree, and a specialty, that wage turns to salary, doubles and triples….. and so on. Legal secretaries make an excellent salary and have the most interesting office assistant job there is. Paralegals make even more. So I am taking the CAOT core with the legal Sec option for certification, on my way up to bachelors, then paralegal. Law school on the other hand is, daunting and unrealistic. I’m going to be 40 in about a minute (9/09) and who can afford a university in my world? No one, that’s who.
Karl’s death and my missing the last 2 years of his life caused a shift in my perspective. Learning of his deep depression and discontent hit me hard. When I was last in touch with him in ’05 he seemed very happy and content. I was also told by a friend of his that he was over the moon happy and in love, the Pulsators were touring, things were good for Karl then. (I, on the other hand, was not good at that time. If you’ve read my archives, you already know this.) I missed the chance to talk to Karl, be his friend. Remind him that in spite of his mistakes, he is valuable, with a good heart and soul… to try to remember to honor that. Even if no one else can. This has made me realize that life is fleeting and for the most part, is lonely… but it shouldn’t be. Time is the omnipresent hindrance, the swift and surreal adversary. Time is what we need to respectfully manage and use wisely to ultimately be happy and successful: these two things are intertwined, of course. That any minute…. Second everything can and does change. I have no idea how long I will live. I could be in my 80’s or so or, I could trip on a clothes hamper, bump my head and die tomorrow. I want to at least be able to pay for my own funeral before that happens. I want my soul to be at peace and content when that happens.
My life is now… and the highway is moving faster everyday. Cruise control is not an option today. Just like the incubus song says:
“when I drive myself, my light is found”
Out of a near tragedy (a curse, if you will), came blessings. My father’s cancer is thankfully, miraculously in remission. What once was bleak and ominous is bright and promising. Currently I am free to get back to my life.
Papa is fully self-sufficient and interestingly has become a “playa”. He’s gone on more dates in the past couple months than I have in the past 6 years, or more, with many different women. But I digress.
Now, having spent every day after Feb. 25th, ‘07 with Dad, I consequently had no income last year. I even missed out on the stimulus checks. Nevertheless, financial aid did Not hesitate to approve me. See? Bleak… turned promising. I have registered for classes beginning September 2nd and those fees have been covered already. I am working towards an ultimate goal while meeting short term ones in the process. I’ve been an Admin assistant for years but found myself spirally down into $10.00/hr hell. With a degree, and a specialty, that wage turns to salary, doubles and triples….. and so on. Legal secretaries make an excellent salary and have the most interesting office assistant job there is. Paralegals make even more. So I am taking the CAOT core with the legal Sec option for certification, on my way up to bachelors, then paralegal. Law school on the other hand is, daunting and unrealistic. I’m going to be 40 in about a minute (9/09) and who can afford a university in my world? No one, that’s who.
Karl’s death and my missing the last 2 years of his life caused a shift in my perspective. Learning of his deep depression and discontent hit me hard. When I was last in touch with him in ’05 he seemed very happy and content. I was also told by a friend of his that he was over the moon happy and in love, the Pulsators were touring, things were good for Karl then. (I, on the other hand, was not good at that time. If you’ve read my archives, you already know this.) I missed the chance to talk to Karl, be his friend. Remind him that in spite of his mistakes, he is valuable, with a good heart and soul… to try to remember to honor that. Even if no one else can. This has made me realize that life is fleeting and for the most part, is lonely… but it shouldn’t be. Time is the omnipresent hindrance, the swift and surreal adversary. Time is what we need to respectfully manage and use wisely to ultimately be happy and successful: these two things are intertwined, of course. That any minute…. Second everything can and does change. I have no idea how long I will live. I could be in my 80’s or so or, I could trip on a clothes hamper, bump my head and die tomorrow. I want to at least be able to pay for my own funeral before that happens. I want my soul to be at peace and content when that happens.
My life is now… and the highway is moving faster everyday. Cruise control is not an option today. Just like the incubus song says:
“when I drive myself, my light is found”
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Being Marinko
Ok, so I know what you might be thinking;
The very last conversation Karl and I had was not supposed to be the last one and that was my fault. I procrastinated for a season or so before I got the nerve to contact him.
This was a lesson in why not to procrastinate. We never know when it will be the last anything. The last day we have, last chance to reach out, last sunrise, last full moon, last kiss, last joke, last hug, last apology or opportunity to forgive.
Karl and I already forgave each other for our failed attempt at a healthy marriage that was for a time, a blight on our friendship. In May of '05 he gave me his blessing to keep the Marinko name and that meant a lot to me. It's complicated to explain why this is but, it did bring a lot of peace to me.
Then November of '05 happened. Those of you that know me or have been reading this blog since way back may remember the theft of everything personal that I owned... from my CDs and shampoo to my irreplaceable Poetry binder. as well as other nefarious activities of the soul-less vaccuums that populate Oregons Capitol city.
During and following this F*cked up time, living the way I was, I ended up hurting a friend of Karl's. Well, bottom line: I caused him to lose a lot - monetarily.
But I digress.
Now, what had ended my procrastination and fueled my effort to contact Karl in late September '07 was an internet search. Not mine. Somebody out there... In Northern California. I don't know who it was.
Let me explain. I have a 'sitemeter' on this page. It gives me statistics on visits here. It tells me the referring link and if it is an internet search, it shows me the exact terms. I honestly hadn't looked at my sitemeter since I moved back here to So Cal. Dec. '06. I really cannot remember what prompted me to look that day.
The search terms were this:
This was done September 28, 2007. I discovered it that weekend around the 30th. I thought it was Karl searching for me, wondering if maybe I was dead. When I first saw it I had this real morbid... numb, kinda freaky feeling. My son was here that weekend and I showed it to him. I don't think he really thought much of it. He went with my theory that it was Karl looking for me. When I asked him if he would be a little freaked out if he saw his name there his response was,
"I don't know... are you done now, can I use the computer?"
Karl Marinko had a huge impact on my life. I was fortunate to tell him a little bit of this truth but, not nearly to the extent he needed to hear. Not when he needed to hear it. Drugs and all the ugly layers of addiction and it's toll on the addict denied Karl and I our purpose and what we were meant to do and be. The lessons we failed. The lessons we ignored. The lessons I now must pay attention to. Because he reminded me. Because his living his life and his death were important on levels that go deeper and are much bigger than what we comprehend on a daily basis.
We all feel that if we did something different in our relationships with Karl, he might still be here today. Or maybe wouldn't have passed a troubled soul; the reality we know deep down is that there wasn't anything we could do.
Here's to you MacDaddy Marinko - you goat-head and rest in peace!
"where was Mel the last couple year of Karls life?"Simply, I was getting my shit together. At least within myself.
The very last conversation Karl and I had was not supposed to be the last one and that was my fault. I procrastinated for a season or so before I got the nerve to contact him.
This was a lesson in why not to procrastinate. We never know when it will be the last anything. The last day we have, last chance to reach out, last sunrise, last full moon, last kiss, last joke, last hug, last apology or opportunity to forgive.
Karl and I already forgave each other for our failed attempt at a healthy marriage that was for a time, a blight on our friendship. In May of '05 he gave me his blessing to keep the Marinko name and that meant a lot to me. It's complicated to explain why this is but, it did bring a lot of peace to me.
Then November of '05 happened. Those of you that know me or have been reading this blog since way back may remember the theft of everything personal that I owned... from my CDs and shampoo to my irreplaceable Poetry binder. as well as other nefarious activities of the soul-less vaccuums that populate Oregons Capitol city.
During and following this F*cked up time, living the way I was, I ended up hurting a friend of Karl's. Well, bottom line: I caused him to lose a lot - monetarily.
(Stephan if you happen on this post use the links on the side bar to contact me. I'd like the opportunity make amends)
Karl was justifiably pissed off at me. He also didn't believe me when I told him all the crap that happened. Truth is; it was not right for me to let that affect my own code of conduct or moral obligations as a friend. So Karl was right when he said,This is bullshit Mel!!
But I digress.
Now, what had ended my procrastination and fueled my effort to contact Karl in late September '07 was an internet search. Not mine. Somebody out there... In Northern California. I don't know who it was.
Let me explain. I have a 'sitemeter' on this page. It gives me statistics on visits here. It tells me the referring link and if it is an internet search, it shows me the exact terms. I honestly hadn't looked at my sitemeter since I moved back here to So Cal. Dec. '06. I really cannot remember what prompted me to look that day.
The search terms were this:
"Melinda Marinko" Death
This was done September 28, 2007. I discovered it that weekend around the 30th. I thought it was Karl searching for me, wondering if maybe I was dead. When I first saw it I had this real morbid... numb, kinda freaky feeling. My son was here that weekend and I showed it to him. I don't think he really thought much of it. He went with my theory that it was Karl looking for me. When I asked him if he would be a little freaked out if he saw his name there his response was,
"I don't know... are you done now, can I use the computer?"
Karl Marinko had a huge impact on my life. I was fortunate to tell him a little bit of this truth but, not nearly to the extent he needed to hear. Not when he needed to hear it. Drugs and all the ugly layers of addiction and it's toll on the addict denied Karl and I our purpose and what we were meant to do and be. The lessons we failed. The lessons we ignored. The lessons I now must pay attention to. Because he reminded me. Because his living his life and his death were important on levels that go deeper and are much bigger than what we comprehend on a daily basis.
We all feel that if we did something different in our relationships with Karl, he might still be here today. Or maybe wouldn't have passed a troubled soul; the reality we know deep down is that there wasn't anything we could do.
Here's to you MacDaddy Marinko - you goat-head and rest in peace!
You will always be a part of me.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
So I fell in love Tuesday night
First I have to preface this by acknowledging that what I am about to confess is pretty sad. I have no life.
It seems that these days the highlight of my week is American Idol. What a loser.
I have my favorites of course. This season has me falling in love every week with at least one of them.
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have a life right now or, if it’s because these kids are top of the line. I prefer to believe the latter.
Carly Smithson always invokes emotion in me. I love her. She should win. However this week, David Cook could own me if he wanted to. I think I fell in love for that minute and a half. And of course, again when I replayed it. He has been one of my favorites every week but Tuesday...what he did with that Michael Jackson song... and his big fat huge enormous bag of talent.... that awkward fat skull of his (which by the way, is the exact same shape and size as my late ex-husband Karl... I didnt like it on him very much either) but I digress.
They had to do songs from the year of their birth. David Cook was born in 82. Michael Jacksons Reigning Year as "king of pop". David did Billy Jean and took the Pop right out of it. So awesome. I want it on my profile.... David Cooks version, that is. *sighs* but It is not available. I think it might be on itunes or whatever but I am still in the 90’s and I don’t do the ipod....yet.
Thank you for hearing my confession.
Marinko out.
It seems that these days the highlight of my week is American Idol. What a loser.
I have my favorites of course. This season has me falling in love every week with at least one of them.
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have a life right now or, if it’s because these kids are top of the line. I prefer to believe the latter.
Carly Smithson always invokes emotion in me. I love her. She should win. However this week, David Cook could own me if he wanted to. I think I fell in love for that minute and a half. And of course, again when I replayed it. He has been one of my favorites every week but Tuesday...what he did with that Michael Jackson song... and his big fat huge enormous bag of talent.... that awkward fat skull of his (which by the way, is the exact same shape and size as my late ex-husband Karl... I didnt like it on him very much either) but I digress.
They had to do songs from the year of their birth. David Cook was born in 82. Michael Jacksons Reigning Year as "king of pop". David did Billy Jean and took the Pop right out of it. So awesome. I want it on my profile.... David Cooks version, that is. *sighs* but It is not available. I think it might be on itunes or whatever but I am still in the 90’s and I don’t do the ipod....yet.
Thank you for hearing my confession.
Marinko out.
Friday, February 22, 2008
In the quiet morning...
In the quiet morning...
I long to wake you up.
The night brought quite a storm and,
We gave each other up.
In the fields of corn when,
We used to become one
In the brightest form then...
My world was basking in your sun.
In the quiet morning,
Is where you leave me be.
In the quiet morning...
I want you here with me.
Written: Sept 25, 2005
Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko
I long to wake you up.
The night brought quite a storm and,
We gave each other up.
In the fields of corn when,
We used to become one
In the brightest form then...
My world was basking in your sun.
In the quiet morning,
Is where you leave me be.
In the quiet morning...
I want you here with me.
Written: Sept 25, 2005
Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko
Friday, February 15, 2008
Masquerades
Masquerades
who are you to judge me?
I loathe those behind facade.
Phony flatterers in grand charade.
Fabrication and pretty praise,
Then down their nose at you, they gaze.
Assuming to be of higher stance.
Humility has no chance.
Distorted testimony to discredit your soul
And rare vocabulary just for show
Hurtful with a smile and sermon
How dare they implicate us as vermin?
Their eloquent pontification
Its still impudent condemnation.
I am scarce with shallow need
What a shame your ego's greed.
How dare you project your darkness on me?
How dare you refuse to behave respectfully?
How dare accuse me of desperation?
How dare you belittle me with implication?
Vague, cryptic and quite absurd.
Disenchanting are your words.
Talk in circles for effect
We get it. You're an intellect.
Now get some meaning and be forthright
Leave your costume home tonight.
© 2008
Melinda Marinko
who are you to judge me?
I loathe those behind facade.
Phony flatterers in grand charade.
Fabrication and pretty praise,
Then down their nose at you, they gaze.
Assuming to be of higher stance.
Humility has no chance.
Distorted testimony to discredit your soul
And rare vocabulary just for show
Hurtful with a smile and sermon
How dare they implicate us as vermin?
Their eloquent pontification
Its still impudent condemnation.
I am scarce with shallow need
What a shame your ego's greed.
How dare you project your darkness on me?
How dare you refuse to behave respectfully?
How dare accuse me of desperation?
How dare you belittle me with implication?
Vague, cryptic and quite absurd.
Disenchanting are your words.
Talk in circles for effect
We get it. You're an intellect.
Now get some meaning and be forthright
Leave your costume home tonight.
© 2008
Melinda Marinko
Un-Addicted
So the other day I'm in the car with my son and of course he's blasting the music. He compromises most of the time and will put in a mix of stuff I like too. (He's such a good boy) Anyway, we were listening to a cd my Daughter put together and one of the songs was 'Its Been A While' by Staind. It get's to the line where he says,
and Its Been a while since I could say, that I wasnt addicted and...
David turns to me and says "wow Mom, you now can say that you aren't addicted". This is because I've quit smoking, I guess. I told him that I worry that I'm addicted to goodies. I can pass up that shot of Jack or a cigarette but put a brownie or a cookie in my face and I'll most likely eat it.
The reality hit me. I'm not addicted. To anything. Since I was about 10 years old I've been always at least addicted to nicotene, a lot of times addicted to multiple substances at once. Now? Nothing. I'm not addicted to anything. No Rehab. I don't do meetings frequently. I went to a few but most are in such a bad part of town that I don't go. This is pretty amazing. Now I am trying to get addicted to working out and exercise. Without all those vices I've packed on some tonnage but I'm working on it. Someday I will be fine as hell again but,Un-addicted.
and Its Been a while since I could say, that I wasnt addicted and...
David turns to me and says "wow Mom, you now can say that you aren't addicted". This is because I've quit smoking, I guess. I told him that I worry that I'm addicted to goodies. I can pass up that shot of Jack or a cigarette but put a brownie or a cookie in my face and I'll most likely eat it.
The reality hit me. I'm not addicted. To anything. Since I was about 10 years old I've been always at least addicted to nicotene, a lot of times addicted to multiple substances at once. Now? Nothing. I'm not addicted to anything. No Rehab. I don't do meetings frequently. I went to a few but most are in such a bad part of town that I don't go. This is pretty amazing. Now I am trying to get addicted to working out and exercise. Without all those vices I've packed on some tonnage but I'm working on it. Someday I will be fine as hell again but,Un-addicted.
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