My Opus (My Eng 101 teacher called it that)

HAPPINESS OVER REGRET


My life doesn’t have to stand for the many disappointments I have faced. If I could shed light on the world on how peace, joy, laughter and smiles are attained through choices, I’d achieve a success far beyond my previous hopes. I would have to find it within me to be more effective, proficient in the art of verbally communicating so I could share this basic truth with others. I must first walk it before I can talk it. The past is done and cannot be altered so letting go is paramount. Constructive venting of negative thoughts and energy is vital to healing and growth. So I first choose to do just that.

I have to get things off my chest and onto paper. I need to unload, so to speak. This part of me will never change, though it has transcended, expanded and contracted. It is alive as it breathes through me as if I am an implement, a smoke delivery device. It draws in deep and remains there in the very cavity my lonely heart dwells in until it becomes completely toxic, requiring to be expelled from within as it spills out with a short-lived sigh of relief. (Or, it might be gas caused from all the: “Me I could’ve Been-Salad” I’ve been cramming down my neck!)
I realize that thinking about the past is silly. That yesterday is irrelevant. I should totally be feeling this but sometimes, I’m not. I’m not always convinced. Is the past gone? It isn’t easy to say to myself, “Hey, live and learn!” “Grow from here!” Life is now and the moments yet to come that I am destined, (or am I doomed?), to pass in. I will greet each day with a positive attitude and pro-activity coursing through my veins. I will be there with fricking bells on, right?
The last 14,275 days of bad decisions, reactions, no-actions, forgotten ideas, distracted plans, wasteful ways, self destruction and, lack of a solid true love/relationship has brought me to where I am today. Does any of it add up to a happy yesterday story? I made it through 469 full moons, 38 Christmas’, and 20 Mother’s Days. I’ve smoked damn near 20,000 cigarettes and sat on a toilet at least 40,000 times and could have chosen to consume all 20,556,698 minutes with regret. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Friday’s child is in perpetual rest and restlessness. Sunday’s child will choose to shine.
I could be enveloped in the smoke of my own burning delirium, scattered with the ashes and the cinders of sanity, confronting shadows and only implicating thoughts. My creativity would be illusive and peace nary a vision. I would have forgotten my purpose, my passion, my smile; and that happiness is a state of mind. I choose to take on instead of take off, go within – not without, and let go of that which I have no control over.
I believe that once grown and out of the nest, no matter how that nest had raised and nurtured us, our state of mind, peace and happiness or whatever we find in life is completely and ultimately up to us alone. We hold 98% of power over our own lives – no one else does. Not even God has that power over us. We must choose it or it will not be. The most damaging surrender of power is when we fail to rise above disappointment or abuse continuing to live wounded and victimized regardless of how far in the past it is.
Staying true to one’s own self and well being and letting go. Consistently living purposeful and consciously, is courageous living that doesn’t usually come easily. However, it is a choice and a gift that shines light on life. One can’t control actions or events brought on by others but we can choose how we react to, perceive, or learn from them. It is ironic in that it is so simplistic yet, the most complicated, hard as hell, lesson to actually learn, live and apply to everyday life.
Although the rationale within me would not have it any other way, it is difficult to accept that I cannot expect or demand anything of another. How they behave, or how they treat and relate to me is their choice - alone. I do have the power to choose to conduct myself at a level of behavior with compassion for others as well as myself. I have the power to smile inside and out by changing my perception of any given situation. I can choose where I will be and when. How I get there and whose company I keep. What I want, do and have are choices I make, as well. Therefore, I also choose success and happiness over pain and regret.