Regret

Finding old notebooks 

and letters I wrote, 

Me telling you off in scribbled notes.

Poems-a-plenty, 

angry and mean....

I thought you were empty 

and I was unseen.

I'm finding the clues 

and remember your words. 

It's all what what you'd choose 

and what's now occured. 

The loss that you brought, 

the loss that I've known.

I bitched and I fought,

And through it we'd grown. 

Now that you've left, 

in such a horrible way,

This pain in my chest 

has nothing to say.

Everything I don't have...

Everything I don't have I owe to him. I was asked if there was anything I could send to his daughter of his and the sad thing is, very little and she can definitely have it. As sentimental as he would sometimes be, he lived in a vacuum focused on his constant hand to mouth obsessions, all his addiction, the effort he put into not sharing with anybody but me. His fear of silence that would lead to hours into years of wasted time and focus. He was hiding from regret, from rejection, from his own soul. 

RIP Todd Avery

Todd was a quick witted loving skillful complicated man who loved and lived and hoped and tried.  He was still growing up at 59 and if  I knew 2 weeks or 16 years ago what he really went through before I met him I might have understood him better. He hid behind a facade from his pain and the rejection, a facade like a vacuum,  keeping everyone at a distance . Everyone but a very select few, including me and I didn't recognize he loved me the best he knew how to .  I could always talk to him, he made me laugh more than anyone else ever. When nobody else was there, he was. But it was time for him to go home long ago but he didn't feel worthy, and he didn't know how. He couldn't bear rejection, and he assumed no one cared. But he learned that wasn't true, and he finally found someone who could fly him there, that would welcome him when he got there. He was looking forward to being near his daughter and being there for her,  he was actually happy. Then this tragedy happened, now his seat home is empty. These are the saddest days I've ever known. He was my best friend and i should have valued him more , I should have told him I loved him the last time we talked. He will be missed I hope he finally feels the love, I hope his soul can finally feel the warmth and his heart aches no more. I love you Todd Avery with all my heart. You will not be forgotten. Fuck em all anyways, it's your world. Once upon a time your embrace engulfed my soul, I hope the love has finally reached yours and the peace of painlessness washes over you and sets you free.