I feel like a terrible person. I should be at the hospital right now, with my mother, or writing my son a long overdue letter, or bringing my cat to a home where she isnt locked away and isolated and taking care of her agaiins, I should have been at work all 5 days last week but my brain hurt - my heart hurts - and it's just the way it is. The person that grew to know me, then love me - unconditionally, that never had a doubt - trusted and respected me so that I never let him down... the one person where I was welcome and finally - I felt at home - died, three years ago this week and the now he's been gone longer than I spent with him. Just 30 months... and the he died. For 24 of those months - I knew it was coming, we all knew it was coming - but he was the kind that made you forget he was sick. I waited over 35 years for those 30 months and they were worth the wait. No doubt about it, I am blessed to know my Dad, in the way that I did. No one saw me the way he did, and it was good for me. He said to me a couple weeks before he died he said - You have grown up so much since you first came - "not that you needed a lot of growing up - but you just -" and I cut him off because I knew what he meant. I agreed, and  I told him - because "you let me, Dad. You let me grow up just by being you letting me be me because that was an ok person to be - and maybe by not treating me like I needed to grow up and because nothing else mattered but keeping him here as long as we could. I miss you so much, I miss who I was in your eyes.