Monday, June 30, 2025

June 30 2025

When I was dizzy the other day,  and woke up that way,  as I sat there gripping onto the doorway next to the toilet because the world felt like it was spinning out of control,   I thought oh my god,  what if this is a stroke and I went to sleep that way?  Far too long has passed to save me from permanent damage. Then an even more horrifying thought, I'm still alive. If I live through a stroke, what fresh hell would that be? I have absolutely no one. And I sure as hell am not going to ever ever burden my daughter with any thing, especially taking care of me. Number one, why ? What's the point of fighting for life? I thought I hated my life at other times... I still had people that loved me. When I say I have no one, I have absolutely no one. My mother doesn't even know who I am. 
Yesterday I was planning my exit and how she's going to take it and what I need to do to make sure she has no burden, and today it's clear she already considers me a burden.
Really what is the fucking point ? What am I even doing existing? I need to clean up this room, make sure everything important is easy to find. Get a sharpie and write DNR all over my chest and threaten lawsuits. 
Make sure she gets my last paycheck. My life in this apartment feels like pure hell, my life at work is pure hell, I have nothing in between. My depression, anxiety, grief, self loathing is at an all time high. I'm done. After the awful things Aly said this morning why even take the time to write anything or prepare anything. Just go now. Nobody is going to miss me. Aly is just going to continue saying I'm an awful piece of shit. I don't do enough. She's right. I am a piece of shit. 
I love her and David so much, I was a bad mother an even worse grandmother. I don't mean to be. I just am. 
Good riddens. 

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