That 1st second thought

After a long stretch of overt narcissist abuse, due to me losing everything during his covert narcissistic phase, and having no where to turn, and no way to get there, and he knew it. He was the almost perfect boyfriend in the presence of others, but the moment we were alone he was cruel, and apathetic. He destroyed my confidence, my sanity. In every way he treated me, including the tone in his voice. It was like day and night, how it changed as soon as the door was closed . I wrote this letter to him, that he never read. Every word of it is true. This is from a victim of mind fuckery that no one understands until it happens to them.......

.....................................

I hate you. I mean that from the bottom of my dark and empty heart.

 My numb and apathetic soul. Within every inch of this pit, the wasted space in which my breath and these words... echo! 

And with every distant memory of desire and affection. 

Every wasted;     "tick ---tick--- tick", running out the clock of my fleeting youth. 

My fading life.

I see you. 

A loud and hungry vacuum that sucked out and flushed away, then forgot, about the flecks, glimmer, and beaming rays of light that was shining in me when we met.  

Now I shine,...

 

no more. 

It is so dark, in this cave -- this filthy hole in the ground you give me for all that I've lost ... to you.

I know you - a narcissist - with a shallow heart and, narrow mind, and..., I hate you!

I hate the air you breathe; the ground you walk on; the space you waste. 

I hate your ever-growing collection of junk, your trash everywhere and the dirt and filth you smear on to… everything!      Ev-ery-thing?      Ev-ery thing!!

I hate your lies, how they're told... and I hate the head games you play. I hate the lie that you, are! 

I’m sick of your many -always changing - personalities. 

You have disrespected, disregarded, and disenchanted me to the point I’m loathing every bit of you. Your look;   your sound;   your smell, your taste;

 your tone; your hue;  your height, your weight; your dreams, your fears, your jokes, your laugh, ....your ass..., and yes.....; 

even your face.

It’s as if I had slit my wrists -- slowly bleeding out all this time while carrying such a deep , and , visceral regret for giving you that first:  "second thought”.

Written by,

Melinda Marinko

1/25/2015 

Salem, OR.

Hooray For Marriage Equality!

Hooray for american humans being allowed to marry each other regardless of their individual genders. Why the hell has it taken so long to let everybody enter into the most seemingly binding contracts made with one another yet the promise most broken ? It's ironic that the people fighting it say it goes against the Bible - which may or may not be God's own words written down by some guys a couple thousand years ago, when their opposition and fight is NOT what Jesus would do. There is no quote in the Bible from Jesus saying homosexuality is a sin or an abomination - in any context. 

Humans are notorious for lying and fiction writing and the chains of command on the Bible are questionable - all those people that contributed to it are long gone. And isn't odd to these people that God supposedly hasn't had anything worth writing down since then? The bottom line in is, it doesn't hurt anybody to let people love who they love, and make promises behind that love to each other legally. It's one contract in this country that is easily broken. That has done the most damage - to the children they make and then break up the family before they have finished raising them. That's what people should fight against. It's OK to hurt each other - cause instability to our most fragile and dependent humans - but don't marry someone with matching genitals? Come on, really? Wake up. 

Hooray American Justices - for putting an end to a debate that should never have been one in the first place. 

Words and such....

I FEEL THE WAY YOU PLAY THE GAME

I feel it coming around my friend
The good times reaching another end
It’s cold heat and snake's skin
Around my heart like infinite sin
Here you are with your love-eating grin
I lose the hope when the games begin
I cannot see it now or then
Forgetting how good it should’ve been

I feel it before I hear the door
Then in  the way you say my name, I can tell you’re back for more
I feel the way you play the game

It’s clear to see who’s keeping score
And who is feeding the flames
The catalyst we can’t ignore
We master placing blame

To the wall down on the floor
Rage is born and eats the pain
Changing who we were before
I feel the way you play the game

It resonates in your vibration
The bubble bursts our loves’ deflation
Mean season time for alienation
Graying my skies of inspiration

Stealing my smile without justification
Bombarding my world with condemnation
Injecting me with a blind frustration
Losing my will
To your game’s creation



© Melinda Marinko

I am out here – Original*

I am out here,

And the River, it's raging.

It roars in my ears

Until my vision starts fading.

I think of my journey

Ahead and behind... the smell of it, burning,

Impressed in my mind.

I am out here

Just the spirits and me

Shedding the fears and yearn to be free.

You are a phase in my past & now present,

My nights without days,

And thoughts now unpleasant.

Now finding myself here... is as if that me - that's so strong,

Had just disappeared

Slipped away and now gone.

Dec 6 1996

THEN YOU WERE GONE

I had a dream with you last night
And you told me your secrets so real.
Then we journeyed to the other side
Riding on a brand new wheel.

Whispers caressed my ears
As your embrace engulfed my soul.
Moments lasted like years
As the sun fell into snow.

The sound of your own melody
Filled the meadow where we lay.
With the feel of familiar memories
We ran naked across the blade.

Oceans of laughter crashed on our shore
As we played carelessly in the sand.
Silken sheets of rain did pour
We found shelter and you took my hand.

You said,
'I know right now we cannot be
Still we dream and find a way
Until I'm finally free...
I'll meet you in these dreams to play'
You touched me and I was shaking
With a feeling oh, so strong.
And I felt you still
As I was waking....
Reaching out
Then you were gone.
Reaching out then you were gone.

Lyrics & Melody by Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko
(c) 1991

 
NUMINOUS OUT THERE

When I was out there
Out where my spirits did roam
I was light as the air
I was closer to home

Out on the page
Where I've spilled out the most
You'll see all the rage
That was born to a ghost

Simplistic, sublime,
Cognizant the ether
In absence of time
I tried hard to reach her

Numinous I'm transcending
With the sun, the moon¦ you
Shallow water blending
Clarity into blue

Melinda Marinko
© 9 April 2009
By melminda


REFLECT-ABILITY

Quietly reflect upon the waves
That are crashing on your sand.
Bringing with them an ever-changing power
That is beyond your own hand.
Absorb the mist; the taste; the smell;
The sounds of all you see.
Letting each approach
With a grasp of what's to come....
Then quickly...
Set it free.
5-13-98 

TO HAVE

To have climbed the steepest mountain
And conquered every stone
To finally learn to open
All the doors on your own.

To have reached every peak
And slid down all the rainbows
To find all that you seek
Passing the open windows.

To have filled your holes of emptiness
And finally begin living
To create your own happiness
And learn how to be giving.

To have done all these things
And reaped all the rewards
Is like spreading your wings
Releasing all you’ve stored.
By melminda
JOURNEY WITH ME

Journey with me into darkness
Maybe I could shed some light
Grab my horses harness
As we take, off into flight

Over the fields of pain
Under a sky of circumstance
With every drop of rain
We’ll take another chance

Journey with me to the rainbow
Leave behind the storm
Once you let the pain go
Then soon your soul is born

By melminda


PAINTING THE RAINBOW


Living is green - the color of growing.
You’re part of the scene - you're naturally showing.

Anger is red - the color of blood.
Gone out of your head? Now rise above.

Being is clear - no color at all.
And things that you fear - will color your fall.

Craving is purple - the color that's rare.
You jump over hurtles to find yourself there.

Decision is gray - the color between.
You bend and you sway. On one thing you lean.

Loving is gold - worthy of wealth.
Don’t let it be sold or laid on a shelf.

Your sins are all black - the colors combined.
You can’t take them back there is no rewind.

Life is a rainbow you paint every day.
The 'you' that you show the life you display.

Melinda Marinko © 2002


 


OUT HERE – Original*

I am out here,
And the River, it's raging.
It roars in my ears
Until my vision starts fading.

I think of my journey
Ahead and behind... the smell of it, burning,
Impressed in my mind.

I am out here
Just the spirits and me
Shedding the fears and yearn to be free.
You are a phase in my past & now present,
My nights without days,
And thoughts now unpleasant.

Now finding myself here... is as if that me - that's so strong,
Had just disappeared
Slipped away and now gone.

Dec 6 1996

*This is the original word for word first part of the 'Out Here' series


 

I AM OUT HERE (THE SERIES)



Part I

I am out here
Where the river is raging
So loud in my ears
Until my vision is fading

And you have been my nights
Without days
…and a spirit once free
That I thought I’d not fade
Where I thought I might be

So I think of my journeys
Ahead and behind
Was it you or just yearning?
I’m looking to find?

Dec. 1996

Part II

I am out here where the river once raged
Where I feel all your fears
And think of your cage
Could we free from the cries that are born of a ghost
Then take a long ride, maybe go to the coast?

The moon is out there, as we shadow its day
Where the comet appeared without much to say
If I save all my tears, will you save yours for me?
Or will this all disappear when you’re finally free?

1997


Part III

I am out here where the river once raged
Where the roof disappears
And still I am caged
I am out here and you’re so far away
We’ve blended to gray
And nothing to say
I am out here where the spirits are free
Where you’re leaving me be.

I am out there with no room left to move
So much to prove and a skip in my groove
I am out here where visions come clear
I know not to fear
Though I’ve slept through a year

Jan 1998

Part IV

I am out here
Out here once again
I can’t disappear
I know where I’ve been

I am out there
Where I sank in a mess
With nothing to spare
And much to confess

Now I’m leaving the river
The tears and the gray
With a quake and a shiver
I know I can’t stay.

Aug 2000


Part V

I am out there
Out there on my knees
Engaging in prayer
Creating the breeze

I think of your promises
How love is a lie
I wonder if angels
Can hear someone’s eyes?

I see thoughts, feeling every worthless word
I criticize this art
As clearly absurd

I am out here
Out here on a rage
Demonstrating fear
Center stage

Feb 2001

Part VI

I am in here
Outside of myself
I cover my ears to listen to hell

I am down there
Alone on the roof
Far from aloof
A burden with proof

March 2003


Part VII

I am out here
Out here what a mess
Did I tell you my fears?
Did I make them seem less?

You are not here not there
Because you don’t exist
Is the damn truth now clear?
Could this just be some new twist?

April 2004

Part VIII

I am out here
Out here where it’s real
There’s a feeling unclear
Yet so good to feel
Slipped from my grasp
The spirits had faded
From behind the mask
Where once I'd been jaded

October 2004

I AM OUT HERE (UNDATED)

I am out here with the spirits ...and free
And here I can see what I've forgotten in me.

I had a vision and blinded myself,
Indecision and survival in hell,
With such precision, I made me unwell

No religion just casting spells.




I AM IN HERE

I am in here
And welcome you too
Discard any fears
Climb into my view
I am out there
Becoming part
Of your soul
It is a part that is bare…
And beautifully whole.
I am above
The ground below your eyes
We hear no sounds
We realize

1998

I Am Out Here.....

I am out here, out here once again,
Yet so much has changed
And it's all from within.

I have been there, where the light has no home
Where I felt swallowed up, lost and alone.

I am out here and you're so far away
My colors are gray and I fall and I pray.

You are out there and your spirit is strong.
Out there, where it seems
You’re there all alone.

The angels are where
You need them to be,
To catch all your tears and bring them to me.




THE SEA OF SERENITY

Gone beyond to peaceful paths
A place so bright and inviting
The soul of a man and the loves he had
Those worlds are now dividing
On to a place where the angels roam
To the sea of serenity
Full of grace it feels like home
And the only place to be

By melminda
Winner! Starlight1's Mixed Bag Challenge – Sea of Serenity
I REMEMBER

I listen to the moments gone; I taste the view and smell the songs.
Swept away, in so deep, I remember what you let me keep.

The angels, the spirits, and the ghost could see, the light that came from you with me
When it happened, when you left, I remember darkness crushed my chest.

You come and go now like a glimpse, no longer rapt within suspense
We gave, we took, we cried, we shoved, but I remember we mostly Loved.

I remember your soul my friend.

BREAK IT OUT… FIX IT IN
Break it out… fix it in
Be the crowd or be the Djin
Don’t be too loud … but wear it thin,
While you live - within again.

Racing mind slows the soul
Crash your time… Pass the bowl
Don’t be too kind …. You’ll make a hole
Now don’t you give…give any mo’.

Melinda Marinko
11/2014 
Who Were They?

I wonder what it was that started
As their faces filled with fear?
And why it was that they were parted
From those they held so dear?

I wonder why it happened this way
The lives twisted around?
And who it was that would have to pay
The people on the ground?

I wonder how they all turned out
Those souls lost in the crowds?
Or what it was that had filled them with doubt
The faces in the shrouds?

I wonder where they could be right now
They’ve hidden from the rain?
Or when it was, they made a vow
To never live in vain?

I wonder who led them all away
On to a safer place?
And where it was they found to pray
The ones who fell from grace?

I wonder if they plan to come back
To face what’s left behind?
And why it was that evil pack
Destroyed all it could find?

Writing and sketch done in October and December of 1990

Melinda Lantz-Theissen




 
I BREATHE

We walk and I hear
My spirit again.
You talk and I'm near
To where it begins.
I breathe and you feel
I am more than my skin.
We see and it's real
As it comes from within.

ON AIR

Implications everywhere
Around me on the floor.

Breathe me in 'cause I'm on air
And dripping down your door.

Inspiration melts in me
And blends into my core.

With powers from the blessed be
Bleeding into more.

PALE IN MAY

Winter and lace
So cold yet I sweat
And the days of blood letting
They haunt and regret
Yes, I am pale in May...
What time has washed away.

Summer and wool
So hot, I shiver
And the days of healing
Yet to deliver
When forgetting
What time has washed away

SEPTEMBER TO FEBRUARY

Frail temper sleeveless heart
Last September I fell apart
Scars and stains
thoughtless friends
just remains
of a toxic blend
Hopeful winter
an early spring
over dinner, I learned some things
Giddy for hour’s vivid dreams
finding power And the means.

FAITH LIGHT
Love is the only, the all, the reason we're here.
Hate is a symptom, the actions, the outcome of fear.
Mine is not giving, not having or living, but the spoon.
Blind is the anger, the hater, the one forgetting so soon.
Light comes from within us, to guide us, a force from above.
Faith is our option, assistant, and the drive empowering love.
Ours is not lonely, not shallow nor riddled with doubt.
Together, we would find peace and a purpose, what life is about.
2003

SOMETHING LESS

Later than an Early Bird
Fainter than a whispered word.
Easy as a mastered task
Leaking through a crafted mask.
Brighter in the depths of thought
Lighter than the sinking rock.
Dying like a beating heart
Loving just to fall apart.

2004

I FEEL THE WAY YOU PLAY THE GAME

I feel it coming around my friend
The good times reaching another end
It’s cold heat and snake's skin
Around my heart like infinite sin
Here you are with your love-eating grin
I lose the hope when the games begin
I cannot see it now or then
Forgetting how good it should’ve been

I feel it before I hear the door
Then in  the way you say my name, I can tell you’re back for more
I feel the way you play the game

It’s clear to see who’s keeping score
And who is feeding the flames
The catalyst we can’t ignore
We master placing blame

To the wall down on the floor
Rage is born and eats the pain
Changing who we were before
I feel the way you play the game

It resonates in your vibration
The bubble bursts our loves’ deflation
Mean season time for alienation
Graying my skies of inspiration

Stealing my smile without justification
Bombarding my world with condemnation
Injecting me with a blind frustration
Losing my will
To your game’s creation



© Melinda Marinko
LADY IN WAITING

Lady in waiting
In a cocoon of realization
Across thin ice she’s skating
To reach her destination
What she’ll never know is how deep it goes
And when springtime comes
She turns and runs.

Lady in waiting
On the street corner of faith
Her daydreams creating
Mental toxic waste
What she’ll never know is how deep it goes
And when her bus comes
She turns and runs.

Lady in waiting
At dusk for the sunrise
Always anticipating
Until it arrives
What she’ll never know is how deep it goes
And when the sun comes
She turns and runs.
1989
DON'T MIND THE SOUND

It dawned on me at dawn today...
Here is near to far away.
I thought to find and think I found...
A mounted sign: 'Don't mind the sound'.
Longing for life and long may we live...
All that we gave, and what we all give.
Passed out in back, back in the past...
Up from the start and down to the last
2005

LESSONS
Souls of Simple Lessons
Enveloped in the smoke
Of their burning Delirium;

Confronting a shadow,
Implicating a thought;
Severed by their reasoning...
Then scattered throughout the ashes,
The Cinders of Sanity.
Creativity Illusive… Peace is just a vision.

After the passing, they will return.
The cycle… the steps of wisdom
Our calling young & old.
1994

BEYOND THE EMERALD GLASS

Deep beyond the emerald glass
Lies a thought in which you breathe
Lost inside my twisted hopes
And a face of make believe.

I'm consumed and always knowing
The emptiness is you.
All I have is this desire
While you haven't got a clue.

In the depths of my heart and soul
I've found a place to hide...
Where the silence cannot find me
But the laughter passes by.

How could it be I feel this way?
You hardly know me, true?
I used to be aloof and proud
Alone...
But without you.
1992

A VICE TO TEND

I purchased a feeling,
but now its much too high.
I find I thought of healing,
I think I found the Sky.
Masquerading in my Mirror...

Taught and forgot to know.
I watched while surfing fears,
Smiled yet, hurt too much to grow.
Side stepped.... and off the road
(again) I know -
Whole or not: Its Down to go.

Brought forth the echoes.... Numb toes....
Gray rainbows, no mind and no soul.
I lost my goal.... Paid the tolls....
All it stole... and I are on a roll.
If I don't bend
against this trend, reach an end,
I'll never mend
with a vice to tend.

I must Live Love and Laugh again.
1998


 
ONCE IN A NIGHT TIME

Once in a night time
deep within, we could see
But so many so oblivious
will never know
their fondest dream
their deepest fear
was our invention
Tiny hope – (The mask we pretend we've never seen )
was crafted by only us
in time that no other passes within
but us
Their petty lifetimes and achievements
will be the extent of their capacity
And on and on
We’ll paint their dawn
and take their spawn
and soon be gone

Melinda lantz-theissen Marinko

(Automatic writing/typing on typewriter that had just come out of a dumpster on January 14, 1995)

Break it out

Break it out… Fix it in
Be a crowd… be the Djin
Don’t be too loud … but wear it thin….
Now you live within - again.

Racing mind slows the soul
Crash your time… Pass the bowl
Don’t be too kind …. You’ll make a hole
Just don’t give…give any mo'.
      

Melinda Marinko
11/14/2014

Being Mindy.... Since the 1970's

I went by 'Mindy' throughout my entire childhood. My family and long-time friends still call me Mindy. I started feeling big enough - worthy enough-really, of my given name; Melinda when I was around 25 years old and  I stopped introducing myself as Mindy. But until then, Every person I ever met from around 4th grade on, when they heard my name for the first time, they would ask: "Where's Mork?" 

Not, "Hello" or "Nice to meet you" or..... "Mindy? I like that name". 

ALWAYS "Where's Mork?"

It didn't bother me (it did get old...like a broken record, boring -predictable, and unfortunately, I rarely had a good comeback),  it wasn't why I transitioned to Melinda and "Mel". I did that because I grew out of Mindy (which BTW, started as "Mini" when I was a baby.)  The impact of being asked "Where's Mork?" all the time was that it secretly made me feel connected to Robin Williams - whom I loved since I saw him on Happy Days. ( He was in a couple episodes before Mork & Mindy). I've seen every movie he's done - every stand up show (not live), even watched every episode of "The Crazy Ones".

I have never been emotional about a celebrities death. I didn't know them personally. I didn't know Robin Williams personally - but I feel a loss, as if I had. I've even shed some tears. My heart feels broken.

Mindy Calling Mork - Come in Mork 

He will be missed.

thing-of-beauty-is-joy-forever-mork

I'm imploding in this isolation. 

Being isolated and ALONE is one thing;

being isolated within the presence of another...

 it's a deafening hollow.

                                                            

Sweet Child of Mine

I adjusted 

He's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see his face
It takes me away to that
special place
And if I stay too long
I'd probably always break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine

He's got eyes of the bluest skies
And if they start of rain
I'd hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
His heart reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

The Dalai Lama's 18 Rules For Living

At the start of the new millennium the Dalai Lama issued eighteen rules for living.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: 1. Respect for self 2. Respect for others 3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Stranger things have happened

Remember sole purpose is Soul Purpose ....

              and Spirit, of course. (Thanks Patches)

I feel like a terrible person. I should be at the hospital right now, with my mother, or writing my son a long overdue letter, or bringing my cat to a home where she isnt locked away and isolated and taking care of her agaiins, I should have been at work all 5 days last week but my brain hurt - my heart hurts - and it's just the way it is. The person that grew to know me, then love me - unconditionally, that never had a doubt - trusted and respected me so that I never let him down... the one person where I was welcome and finally - I felt at home - died, three years ago this week and the now he's been gone longer than I spent with him. Just 30 months... and the he died. For 24 of those months - I knew it was coming, we all knew it was coming - but he was the kind that made you forget he was sick. I waited over 35 years for those 30 months and they were worth the wait. No doubt about it, I am blessed to know my Dad, in the way that I did. No one saw me the way he did, and it was good for me. He said to me a couple weeks before he died he said - You have grown up so much since you first came - "not that you needed a lot of growing up - but you just -" and I cut him off because I knew what he meant. I agreed, and  I told him - because "you let me, Dad. You let me grow up just by being you letting me be me because that was an ok person to be - and maybe by not treating me like I needed to grow up and because nothing else mattered but keeping him here as long as we could. I miss you so much, I miss who I was in your eyes.

One third of a year, an entire season and then some... May to September

yadda yadda.... The point is: I've been back in Oregon four months now and I can honestly say I don't regret the move one bit. I'm seeing through clearer eyes than six years ago and am not the restless, hopeless, empty bottle I was then either. (Not completely vehemently, anyway. )

With a sunset view like this everyday...  How could today be anything but blessed and how could tonight be anything but unpredictable? And how could tomorrow be anything but welcome?

BloodLetting

blood·let·ting (bldltng)
n.
1. Bloodshed.
2. The removal of blood, usually by opening a vein.

Naked before my waiting spoon

Drops of water and a smirking moon

Fit my world in a flat balloon

August until the 2nd June

Wasting time and I’m bloodletting

Refuse to see, it’s too upsetting

Loop-dee-loo now I’m forgetting

Honest a lie and no regretting

Until it’s time to break more skin

Please let me hit that once again

Chase my tail, and watch me spin

Promise to die and do me in

Leave my soul out in the yard

Can you see where I am scarred?

Now my doorways must be barred

I fall down hard. I fall down hard

I must have lost my Vulcan mind

Threw away too much time  

desperate for just one more dime

Now it’s calling …this  this life of mine

Melinda Marinko

Written Spring 2010 to Summer 2011

Keys? We don't need no stinking keys!

A 4ft 2in woman did this.

SOUNDS OF INSANITY CENTRAL

To Whom It Should Concern:

This is to inform all the big energy, tiny-minded, simple souls with their manipulating social interaction, broken contracts and failing integrity that:

The truth-twisting friction-junkie is not amusing any more. At times the drama was entertaining… it has nonetheless become exhausting, and downright embarrassing!

Whether you reside in spun webs with your stolen treats and consumed loyalty, or busy burning bridges over wide rivers of crocodile tears, our contention is that you are NOT conducive to growth or peace.

As we are contributing, creating, living and loving and trying to enjoy a serene life out here in the big picture, your contributions are mere pollution, mucking up the view. Your disorganized noise creates chaos that psychopath’s are conceived in. Please, just shut the fuck up!


(This is a courtesy notice of  an impending cleanup.)

Sincerely,

Master of None

Daily Melee

Once upon a time, in close proximity to the sun, there arose a hullabaloo, which soon became a ruckus. It was an indescribable ruckus. Now, one would think that at some point, an investigation of said ruckus would launch and swift handling and containment would ensue… but alas, the ruckus was unattended, it subsequently progressed into a quite a racket and then became a full-blown calamity.  Eventually an all out cluster-fuck of unimaginable proportions was the everyday ‘norm’ - almost fading into background noise. Still, scattered throughout, was a smattering –a pinch- of decorum, (just a smidge really), but later became lost in the incessant chaos. Nonetheless, the few that had engaged in certain occasional shenanigans, found enlightenment… behind closed doors and secret get-togethers.

Relationships are like....

Relationships are like cat litter in the litter box. You start with that new box smell and it's great, then someone takes a big dump and pisses all over it and you're shoveling the stink out daily but, it's never going to be the same pleasant box again... not until you replace it with new litter.

In deep

Hemet PD and SWAT On my block last week

Some idiot was shooting at my neighbors with a shotgun last week and this is the team that swooped in... and did NOT catch the guy.

Getting Married (Joke)

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

If I were a cat

If I were born a cat then I would Saunter through this world with confidence and charisma...so beautiful and regal. Have the ability to survive in the wild or be completely domesticated and cared for.
I would give affection to, entertain and protect my loved ones. You would know my love is genuine because I would never fake it or spread it around willy-nilly.

I would, of course, be jealous of birds and fiercely protect my young.I would purr people to sleep,  nap in the day and stay up most nights.


Wait a minute....I think I am a cat!

For the Love of Mel

I Remember

I listen to the moments gone; I taste the view and smell the songs.
Swept away, in so deep, I remember what you let me keep.

The angels, the spirits, and the ghost could see, the light that came from you with me
When it happened, when you left, I remember darkness crushed my chest.

You come and go now like a glimpse, no longer rapt within suspense
We gave, we took, we cried, we shoved, and I remember we mostly Loved.

I know we're blessed I know you care, miles apart and still aware
What we are will never end, as I remember your soul my friend.


©2010 Melinda Marinko

2010

Well, I've settled into my new place in Hemet. I thought I might have issues with the location but thus far, it's been great. Being so close to the kids has made life much better. They can come by anytime. The traffic issues of LA are NOT missed. Just going to the grocery store (which I didn't have many choices of stores, none of them good) was a battle. I might have complaints when summer hits, (which is Feb or March, here). I cannot stand the heat.
(yes, Mel has left the kitchen)

Click here for my Poetry

(then scroll up)

Undefined

Dreams traverse on piglet’s wing
Playful and undefined
I rehearse the words you would sing
Learning each and every line
Soaring birds above grassland green
A beauty so sublime
Your whispered words and thoughts between
Stay gentle on my mind.

(c) Melinda Marinko

Video montage of My Dad

September 21, 1941 - June 8, 2009

Papa Lew passed away tonight, shortly after 10:00 pm. He was surrounded by loved ones, beautiful music was playing. He was a good man and he fought hard, right up to the end.

Funeral date and time will be posted later this week.

My Dad was loved by so many Thank you all

FReeper LantzALot battling last stages of Cancer - NEEDS OUR SUPPORT/PRAYERS/LOVE
all over the place | 19 May 2009 | Dolly

Posted on Tuesday, May 19, 2009 5:19:00 PM by DollyCali

Stress Management

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.



Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.



Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.



Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.



If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.



If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.



It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.



Never buy a car you can't push.



Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.



Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.



Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.



The second mouse gets the cheese.



When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.



You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.



Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once



We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.



“A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Papa

Papa's cancer is back. With a vengeance, it seems. In at least four places including his skin. This last week I've watched it grow, looks like a crab (hence = cancer) the tumors under his arms are growing as well. His energy is low to none. He hasn't eaten in weeks and it looks like he may never eat again. Thankfully he has the J-tube for nutrition. Sometime this week we will be looking into hospice. I'm freaking out. I hide that from him. He says I have a tendency to "panic". I'm not panicking, I've known over two years that this was coming.
So... I balance his care and school.... no time for much else. Finals week is the first week of June, I won't be taking a class this summer, I'll wait until Fall.
Pray for Papa, pray for me. Out of tragedy is blessing. I count a million blessings that he and I have gotten to know each other, that my Dad loves me. The past is irrelevant, life is now and I'm living in the moment, and grateful for each that comes and goes.

Numinous and Out There

Numinous and Out There

When I was ‘out there’
Out where my spirits did roam
I was light as the air
I was closer to home

Out on the page
Where I’ve spilled out the most
You’ll see all the rage
That was born to a ghost

Simplistic, sublime,
Cognizant the ether
In absence of time
I tried hard to reach her

Numinous I'm transcending
With the sun, the moon… you
Shallow water blending
Clarity into blue

Melinda Marinko
© 9 April 2009

Gentle On My Mind

Gentle On My Mind

Bathed in misty melody Lyrics yet defined Passion like a symphony Gentle on the mind. On the wings of pigs there's knowing honest love is blind Deep inside the truth keeps growing Gentle on our minds. Chasing the sun away from you Nothing left behind Shining like you want me to Gentle on your mind. Immersed in shallow yearning escaping daily grind The Smoke of peace-pipes burning Gentle on my mind.

It's the end of a long LOOOOng Winter

What a difference a year makes. I shed 60 of that 70 lbs I put on from 2006 to 2008 this year, I let go of my bitter bitch face. I let go of the disregard I had for the existence of love between lovers. I've lost and found myself again. I've taken on a whole lot of school this Spring. I am not alone, I am fearless and scared, I am hopeful in the moment. I am working on finally growing up.

Essay 5 “The Effects of Divorce”

I have witnessed divorce in varied processes. The after math endlessly unfolding. The causes seem so insignificant while, the effects appear at times, colossal, immeasurable and poignant. I have seen financial, emotional and spiritual stability compromised, effecting children and who they are, become, and how they perceive the world around them. The children are completely dependent and blameless yet it is their lives, their foundation, and their spiritual growth in peril through divorce.
The bickering over child support by parents too financially stressed due to supporting a house hold alone, will consume time and energy that could have been spent actually parenting the kids. It is so unpleasant and uncomfortable to overhear and witness for the little ones. They really don’t understand why it feels like it does. Unfortunately this causes kids to find unhealthy ways to distract themselves from the unpleasantness.
When a single parent is devastated by the divorce, that parent's emotional needs become paramount. Their pit of emptiness casts a ominous shadow over the needs of their children and likely to remain well into that child’s adulthood. How is a child going to mature emotionally into an adult when they have had to cater to the emotions of the one that is supposed to be there nurturing, teaching, guiding them? Therapy? Too late. If anyone thinks a pill or some kind of exercise in imaginary time travel on a quest to one’s own “inner child” could succeed in reprogramming a human condition, then pop away, and don't miss your flight. Good luck.
Here's the thing, vows are made between two people from the heart, in church, under whatever God it is those two people will eventually teach their children to believe in, a government contract - the Marriage License - is signed, stamped and filed in the hall of records, rings are worn by each, names are changed, is this not thee most sworn-to contract and promise that anyone enters into? On EARTH?
Children learn from their parents that for any reason under the sun it can and will be broken, then where will they ever learn to completely trust themselves, their religion, or another human being? I don’t have an answer because there isn’t one. They learn that no one on Earth can ever really be completely trusted to honestly love another, remain loyal, keep a promise, a vow, honor a contract or honor their deity.
I hope that the majority of the human race is ignorant to what I believe I know about the effects of divorce because when asked to examine it, I find it a travesty to one and all in our society. I believe it has surpassed money in the “Root of all Evil” department. Because it affects the behavior and priorities of those that grow up in divorce and look at our world today. I think we all know something about the effects of divorce.

Who is Jack Shit?

Who is Jack Shit?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Shit." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Shit and O. Shit. Awe Shit, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Shit, the owner of Needeep N. Shit Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Shit, Fulla Shit, Giva Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins: Deap Shit and Dip Shit. Against her parents' objections, Deap Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Shit divorced. Noe Shit later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Shit-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loda Shit and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Shit. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Shit and Giva Shit, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Shit-Happens wedding. The Shit-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Shit, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Shit.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Shit," you can correct them

ESSAY 3 “Procrastination”

If procrastination were marketable, I would be a very wealthy person. (That is if I ever got around to placing that ad!) My perspective on the subject comes from the very depths of it - having been a lifelong ‘Master Procrastinator’. Putting things off until the end of “the last minute” has never worked out well. I transform a task I am competent to perform and complete in a timely manner, into an overwhelming nightmare and the sound of the clock ticking alone clouds my ability to focus. Through self-analysis, I have come to believe this to be self destructive exercise, possibly based in some sort of self loathing. However, I digress. Recognizing that this is a problem, I must overcome! I have sought advice through friends, family and internet searches and found some very helpful strategies and tips.
Prioritizing is first and foremost, I learned this in my years as an administrative assistant. There are always multiple duties in life to accomplish on a daily basis. It helps to make lists and high light what demands immediate attention and has time sensitivity. Sometimes having more than one list is an advantageous kind of mind trick to play on oneself. Completing a short list is easier than a long list, the tendency to put off getting started: greatly diminished.
Next, divide and conquer. A big task can look too big to tackle at times, intimidating and overwhelming. Large projects consist of smaller tasks, doable portions I can complete in a short and reasonable time. For example, when I need to clean the entire house, the very thought of it could be overwhelming. I break it down into smaller steps that I can complete in 15 to 30 minutes, such as, cleaning a kitchen cabinet.
The most popular answer I have found is having a reward system. One is much more likely to complete that boring task if there is a reward waiting. If I promise to give myself a reward that is enticing enough to not want to put off the task for another time I will be less likely to procrastinate. Nevertheless, there is no reward, not even a small part of it, if I have not fulfilled what I have set out to accomplish. I am smoker so one way to motivate is to deny myself a cigarette until after I finish a step or two in a larger project. I recently rewarded myself with the latest Foo Fighter’s CD for making good on two year old promise to my father to clean and organize his basement and garage.
This brings me to tips like, using music; I have playlists of upbeat,’ feel good’ music that serves as great motivation. Another thing to do is get others involved, tell my loved one’s when my deadlines are, what is on my list. Public embarrassment is right up there with my fear of spiders and maggots.
My family members suggest I overcome procrastinating by, “Just doing it!” (As if, I hadn’t thought of that one on my own!) However, I gave this notion deeper thought and concluded that I needed to actively retrain my behaviors and myself so that I will just do it! In addition, I needed to understand why I put things off and performance anxiety is sometimes at the root. I consciously changed my inner dialogue to one that says, “Be courageous; stop avoiding” One act of courage can eliminate fear. Instead of constantly telling myself I better perform well, I remind myself that "just doing it" is more important. I find that I rarely fail to impress myself with my ability once I get to it, anyway. I also realize that I am too significant to live with anxiety about the things I have to do; I remind myself that people who love themselves don’t hurt themselves that way.
Sometimes, not always, procrastination is merely a symptom of fatigue. I’ve learned that it is very important to recharge daily. Get enough sleep and rest each day so I have the necessary energy I need to accomplish my tasks. Also, drink plenty of water and choose natural whole foods whenever possible because I have read and believe that the brain functions much more efficiently when fed properly.
My favorite suggestion came from my Father, “when you wake up in the morning, eat a frog. Anything else you have to do will seem like a cake walk.”
By putting into action what I have learned I will overcome and conquer the procrastinator in me. I must never be lazy when doing so and live consciously and proactively.


Sources
ineedmotivation.COM. Ways to Overcome & Cure Procrastination.

Koretsky, Jennifer. The Top 10 Ways to Overcome Procrastination. Sept. 2004. 2008 .

Robbins, Anthony. 16 Ways To Overcome Procrastination. .

His Ness-ness


His sense of humor may not be appreciated or understood by most but I wouldn’t trade this aspect of his character for anything in the world.
I value it more than I would if he brought me breakfast in bed. Or….
If he didn’t turn into an asshole an hour or so once a month. Or….
If he bought me a brand new BMW.

I’m going to start writing down some things that come out of his mouth because I don’t want to forget. This is just a couple from last night.

He says, “I’m sorry to have to do this in bathroom off the kitchen baby, but I can’t hold it”.
“I know. Do what you got to do.”
Several Category 3 (and higher) explosions later I ask, “Do you need some baby wipes in there, Hun?”
The Initial inaudible response from the bathroom was, “Nah, just a Sham Wow”.
“What? Sorry I didn’t hear you I’ve been creating background noise out here, [shutting off fan] there, say again?”
Then I hear loud and clear, “SHAMWOW!”

This is the silly crazy quick and unexpected humor I need. Just one of many instances he has made me laugh into tears. I am still laughing. I nearly wet myself.
If only I had a recording, because it may not be funny in text, or you haven’t seen the commercial for the ‘Sham Wow’, a “you had to be there”, sort of thing. Nevertheless, so hilarious his keeper status shot straight through the roof.

During a love scene in the movie The Air I Breath* he says,
“Oh she’s going to blow his balls off so hard he’s going to have use a prosthetic to do her in the ass”

*(excellent movie, by the way, I watched it last night but Todd unfortunately caught only bits and pieces of it because he was busy)

Maybe I can live with his mindless late night TV watching after all. Because when I quit bitching about it, I find that what would annoy probably everybody else in the world, is extremely entertaining to me, and as I am always saying, laughter is good for the soul.

My Opus (My Eng 101 teacher called it that)

HAPPINESS OVER REGRET


My life doesn’t have to stand for the many disappointments I have faced. If I could shed light on the world on how peace, joy, laughter and smiles are attained through choices, I’d achieve a success far beyond my previous hopes. I would have to find it within me to be more effective, proficient in the art of verbally communicating so I could share this basic truth with others. I must first walk it before I can talk it. The past is done and cannot be altered so letting go is paramount. Constructive venting of negative thoughts and energy is vital to healing and growth. So I first choose to do just that.

I have to get things off my chest and onto paper. I need to unload, so to speak. This part of me will never change, though it has transcended, expanded and contracted. It is alive as it breathes through me as if I am an implement, a smoke delivery device. It draws in deep and remains there in the very cavity my lonely heart dwells in until it becomes completely toxic, requiring to be expelled from within as it spills out with a short-lived sigh of relief. (Or, it might be gas caused from all the: “Me I could’ve Been-Salad” I’ve been cramming down my neck!)
I realize that thinking about the past is silly. That yesterday is irrelevant. I should totally be feeling this but sometimes, I’m not. I’m not always convinced. Is the past gone? It isn’t easy to say to myself, “Hey, live and learn!” “Grow from here!” Life is now and the moments yet to come that I am destined, (or am I doomed?), to pass in. I will greet each day with a positive attitude and pro-activity coursing through my veins. I will be there with fricking bells on, right?
The last 14,275 days of bad decisions, reactions, no-actions, forgotten ideas, distracted plans, wasteful ways, self destruction and, lack of a solid true love/relationship has brought me to where I am today. Does any of it add up to a happy yesterday story? I made it through 469 full moons, 38 Christmas’, and 20 Mother’s Days. I’ve smoked damn near 20,000 cigarettes and sat on a toilet at least 40,000 times and could have chosen to consume all 20,556,698 minutes with regret. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Friday’s child is in perpetual rest and restlessness. Sunday’s child will choose to shine.
I could be enveloped in the smoke of my own burning delirium, scattered with the ashes and the cinders of sanity, confronting shadows and only implicating thoughts. My creativity would be illusive and peace nary a vision. I would have forgotten my purpose, my passion, my smile; and that happiness is a state of mind. I choose to take on instead of take off, go within – not without, and let go of that which I have no control over.
I believe that once grown and out of the nest, no matter how that nest had raised and nurtured us, our state of mind, peace and happiness or whatever we find in life is completely and ultimately up to us alone. We hold 98% of power over our own lives – no one else does. Not even God has that power over us. We must choose it or it will not be. The most damaging surrender of power is when we fail to rise above disappointment or abuse continuing to live wounded and victimized regardless of how far in the past it is.
Staying true to one’s own self and well being and letting go. Consistently living purposeful and consciously, is courageous living that doesn’t usually come easily. However, it is a choice and a gift that shines light on life. One can’t control actions or events brought on by others but we can choose how we react to, perceive, or learn from them. It is ironic in that it is so simplistic yet, the most complicated, hard as hell, lesson to actually learn, live and apply to everyday life.
Although the rationale within me would not have it any other way, it is difficult to accept that I cannot expect or demand anything of another. How they behave, or how they treat and relate to me is their choice - alone. I do have the power to choose to conduct myself at a level of behavior with compassion for others as well as myself. I have the power to smile inside and out by changing my perception of any given situation. I can choose where I will be and when. How I get there and whose company I keep. What I want, do and have are choices I make, as well. Therefore, I also choose success and happiness over pain and regret.

Bleeding Love ... NO SHIT!!!!!!!

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true



And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see


leona lewis

Your Face... oh Your Face!!!!

If only I wasn't such a window licking, chatter boxing poopie head, I might have just chilled and gone with the flow instead of pushing you away when you are sooo my favorite (non-related) person right now. You are/were good to me. If you come back and tell me to shutta... we could wallow in laughter and occasionally each other again - with out putting a title on this chapter. It doesn't need one anyway in the grand scheme of things and nothings.

Have you heard that? I heard that!!

I promise I won't love you.

This Could Be Bad

You're breaking the silence
and waking the beast
Making it hungry
... then letting it feast

Your mouth as it lingered
Your body, your skin
I was lost in the tingling
You were drinking me in

Follow me after
You've fallen some more
We'll wallow in laughter
We'll throw out the score

Circles of spoken
and Unspoken notions
I feel like I'm floating
Adrift in your ocean

Autumn comes

Around the bend there's hope for change. Hope for color.

Mel’s Life - An Update

I began think it’s about time I post an actual “Mel’s Life” update. This year marks a brand new chapter in my life. I actually get to start over where I had never started in the first place. For the first time in my life I actually have the opportunity to achieve, what most 18 year olds embark upon; an education. (Somewhat poignant that this is also the year that my daughter, my youngest, turned 18)
Out of a near tragedy (a curse, if you will), came blessings. My father’s cancer is thankfully, miraculously in remission. What once was bleak and ominous is bright and promising. Currently I am free to get back to my life.
Papa is fully self-sufficient and interestingly has become a “playa”. He’s gone on more dates in the past couple months than I have in the past 6 years, or more, with many different women. But I digress.
Now, having spent every day after Feb. 25th, ‘07 with Dad, I consequently had no income last year. I even missed out on the stimulus checks. Nevertheless, financial aid did Not hesitate to approve me. See? Bleak… turned promising. I have registered for classes beginning September 2nd and those fees have been covered already. I am working towards an ultimate goal while meeting short term ones in the process. I’ve been an Admin assistant for years but found myself spirally down into $10.00/hr hell. With a degree, and a specialty, that wage turns to salary, doubles and triples….. and so on. Legal secretaries make an excellent salary and have the most interesting office assistant job there is. Paralegals make even more. So I am taking the CAOT core with the legal Sec option for certification, on my way up to bachelors, then paralegal. Law school on the other hand is, daunting and unrealistic. I’m going to be 40 in about a minute (9/09) and who can afford a university in my world? No one, that’s who.
Karl’s death and my missing the last 2 years of his life caused a shift in my perspective. Learning of his deep depression and discontent hit me hard. When I was last in touch with him in ’05 he seemed very happy and content. I was also told by a friend of his that he was over the moon happy and in love, the Pulsators were touring, things were good for Karl then. (I, on the other hand, was not good at that time. If you’ve read my archives, you already know this.) I missed the chance to talk to Karl, be his friend. Remind him that in spite of his mistakes, he is valuable, with a good heart and soul… to try to remember to honor that. Even if no one else can. This has made me realize that life is fleeting and for the most part, is lonely… but it shouldn’t be. Time is the omnipresent hindrance, the swift and surreal adversary. Time is what we need to respectfully manage and use wisely to ultimately be happy and successful: these two things are intertwined, of course. That any minute…. Second everything can and does change. I have no idea how long I will live. I could be in my 80’s or so or, I could trip on a clothes hamper, bump my head and die tomorrow. I want to at least be able to pay for my own funeral before that happens. I want my soul to be at peace and content when that happens.
My life is now… and the highway is moving faster everyday. Cruise control is not an option today. Just like the incubus song says:
“when I drive myself, my light is found”

Babylon

Link to latest Post on The Barking Roof Dogs.
Click title.

Being Marinko

Ok, so I know what you might be thinking;

"where was Mel the last couple year of Karls life?"

Simply, I was getting my shit together. At least within myself.
The very last conversation Karl and I had was not supposed to be the last one and that was my fault. I procrastinated for a season or so before I got the nerve to contact him.
This was a lesson in why not to procrastinate. We never know when it will be the last anything. The last day we have, last chance to reach out, last sunrise, last full moon, last kiss, last joke, last hug, last apology or opportunity to forgive.
Karl and I already forgave each other for our failed attempt at a healthy marriage that was for a time, a blight on our friendship. In May of '05 he gave me his blessing to keep the Marinko name and that meant a lot to me. It's complicated to explain why this is but, it did bring a lot of peace to me.
Then November of '05 happened. Those of you that know me or have been reading this blog since way back may remember the theft of everything personal that I owned... from my CDs and shampoo to my irreplaceable Poetry binder. as well as other nefarious activities of the soul-less vaccuums that populate Oregons Capitol city.
During and following this F*cked up time, living the way I was, I ended up hurting a friend of Karl's. Well, bottom line: I caused him to lose a lot - monetarily.

(Stephan if you happen on this post use the links on the side bar to contact me. I'd like the opportunity make amends)

Karl was justifiably pissed off at me. He also didn't believe me when I told him all the crap that happened. Truth is; it was not right for me to let that affect my own code of conduct or moral obligations as a friend. So Karl was right when he said,

This is bullshit Mel!!

But I digress.
Now, what had ended my procrastination and fueled my effort to contact Karl in late September '07 was an internet search. Not mine. Somebody out there... In Northern California. I don't know who it was.
Let me explain. I have a 'sitemeter' on this page. It gives me statistics on visits here. It tells me the referring link and if it is an internet search, it shows me the exact terms. I honestly hadn't looked at my sitemeter since I moved back here to So Cal. Dec. '06. I really cannot remember what prompted me to look that day.
The search terms were this:

"Melinda Marinko" Death

This was done September 28, 2007. I discovered it that weekend around the 30th. I thought it was Karl searching for me, wondering if maybe I was dead. When I first saw it I had this real morbid... numb, kinda freaky feeling. My son was here that weekend and I showed it to him. I don't think he really thought much of it. He went with my theory that it was Karl looking for me. When I asked him if he would be a little freaked out if he saw his name there his response was,
"I don't know... are you done now, can I use the computer?"

Karl Marinko had a huge impact on my life. I was fortunate to tell him a little bit of this truth but, not nearly to the extent he needed to hear. Not when he needed to hear it. Drugs and all the ugly layers of addiction and it's toll on the addict denied Karl and I our purpose and what we were meant to do and be. The lessons we failed. The lessons we ignored. The lessons I now must pay attention to. Because he reminded me. Because his living his life and his death were important on levels that go deeper and are much bigger than what we comprehend on a daily basis.
We all feel that if we did something different in our relationships with Karl, he might still be here today. Or maybe wouldn't have passed a troubled soul; the reality we know deep down is that there wasn't anything we could do. 

Here's to you MacDaddy Marinko - you goat-head and rest in peace!

You will always be a part of me.

So I fell in love Tuesday night

First I have to preface this by acknowledging that what I am about to confess is pretty sad. I have no life.
It seems that these days the highlight of my week is American Idol. What a loser.
I have my favorites of course. This season has me falling in love every week with at least one of them.
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have a life right now or, if it’s because these kids are top of the line. I prefer to believe the latter.
Carly Smithson always invokes emotion in me. I love her. She should win. However this week, David Cook could own me if he wanted to. I think I fell in love for that minute and a half. And of course, again when I replayed it. He has been one of my favorites every week but Tuesday...what he did with that Michael Jackson song... and his big fat huge enormous bag of talent.... that awkward fat skull of his (which by the way, is the exact same shape and size as my late ex-husband Karl... I didnt like it on him very much either) but I digress.
They had to do songs from the year of their birth. David Cook was born in 82. Michael Jacksons Reigning Year as "king of pop". David did Billy Jean and took the Pop right out of it. So awesome. I want it on my profile.... David Cooks version, that is. *sighs* but It is not available. I think it might be on itunes or whatever but I am still in the 90’s and I don’t do the ipod....yet.

Thank you for hearing my confession.

Marinko out.

In the quiet morning...

In the quiet morning...
I long to wake you up.

The night brought quite a storm and,
We gave each other up.

In the fields of corn when,
We used to become one

In the brightest form then...
My world was basking in your sun.

In the quiet morning,
Is where you leave me be.

In the quiet morning...
I want you here with me.

Written: Sept 25, 2005
Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko

Masquerades

Masquerades
who are you to judge me?

I loathe those behind facade.

Phony flatterers in grand charade.

Fabrication and pretty praise,

Then down their nose at you, they gaze.

Assuming to be of higher stance.

Humility has no chance.


Distorted testimony to discredit your soul

And rare vocabulary just for show

Hurtful with a smile and sermon

How dare they implicate us as vermin?

Their eloquent pontification

Its still impudent condemnation.


I am scarce with shallow need

What a shame your ego's greed.

How dare you project your darkness on me?

How dare you refuse to behave respectfully?

How dare accuse me of desperation?

How dare you belittle me with implication?



Vague, cryptic and quite absurd.

Disenchanting are your words.

Talk in circles for effect

We get it. You're an intellect.

Now get some meaning and be forthright

Leave your costume home tonight.


© 2008

Melinda Marinko

Un-Addicted

So the other day I'm in the car with my son and of course he's blasting the music. He compromises most of the time and will put in a mix of stuff I like too. (He's such a good boy) Anyway, we were listening to a cd my Daughter put together and one of the songs was 'Its Been A While' by Staind. It get's to the line where he says,

and Its Been a while since I could say, that I wasnt addicted and...

David turns to me and says "wow Mom, you now can say that you aren't addicted". This is because I've quit smoking, I guess. I told him that I worry that I'm addicted to goodies. I can pass up that shot of Jack or a cigarette but put a brownie or a cookie in my face and I'll most likely eat it.

The reality hit me. I'm not addicted. To anything. Since I was about 10 years old I've been always at least addicted to nicotene, a lot of times addicted to multiple substances at once. Now? Nothing. I'm not addicted to anything. No Rehab. I don't do meetings frequently. I went to a few but most are in such a bad part of town that I don't go. This is pretty amazing. Now I am trying to get addicted to working out and exercise. Without all those vices I've packed on some tonnage but I'm working on it. Someday I will be fine as hell again but,Un-addicted.

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