Being Marinko

Ok, so I know what you might be thinking;

"where was Mel the last couple year of Karls life?"

Simply, I was getting my shit together. At least within myself.
The very last conversation Karl and I had was not supposed to be the last one and that was my fault. I procrastinated for a season or so before I got the nerve to contact him.
This was a lesson in why not to procrastinate. We never know when it will be the last anything. The last day we have, last chance to reach out, last sunrise, last full moon, last kiss, last joke, last hug, last apology or opportunity to forgive.
Karl and I already forgave each other for our failed attempt at a healthy marriage that was for a time, a blight on our friendship. In May of '05 he gave me his blessing to keep the Marinko name and that meant a lot to me. It's complicated to explain why this is but, it did bring a lot of peace to me.
Then November of '05 happened. Those of you that know me or have been reading this blog since way back may remember the theft of everything personal that I owned... from my CDs and shampoo to my irreplaceable Poetry binder. as well as other nefarious activities of the soul-less vaccuums that populate Oregons Capitol city.
During and following this F*cked up time, living the way I was, I ended up hurting a friend of Karl's. Well, bottom line: I caused him to lose a lot - monetarily.

(Stephan if you happen on this post use the links on the side bar to contact me. I'd like the opportunity make amends)

Karl was justifiably pissed off at me. He also didn't believe me when I told him all the crap that happened. Truth is; it was not right for me to let that affect my own code of conduct or moral obligations as a friend. So Karl was right when he said,

This is bullshit Mel!!

But I digress.
Now, what had ended my procrastination and fueled my effort to contact Karl in late September '07 was an internet search. Not mine. Somebody out there... In Northern California. I don't know who it was.
Let me explain. I have a 'sitemeter' on this page. It gives me statistics on visits here. It tells me the referring link and if it is an internet search, it shows me the exact terms. I honestly hadn't looked at my sitemeter since I moved back here to So Cal. Dec. '06. I really cannot remember what prompted me to look that day.
The search terms were this:

"Melinda Marinko" Death

This was done September 28, 2007. I discovered it that weekend around the 30th. I thought it was Karl searching for me, wondering if maybe I was dead. When I first saw it I had this real morbid... numb, kinda freaky feeling. My son was here that weekend and I showed it to him. I don't think he really thought much of it. He went with my theory that it was Karl looking for me. When I asked him if he would be a little freaked out if he saw his name there his response was,
"I don't know... are you done now, can I use the computer?"

Karl Marinko had a huge impact on my life. I was fortunate to tell him a little bit of this truth but, not nearly to the extent he needed to hear. Not when he needed to hear it. Drugs and all the ugly layers of addiction and it's toll on the addict denied Karl and I our purpose and what we were meant to do and be. The lessons we failed. The lessons we ignored. The lessons I now must pay attention to. Because he reminded me. Because his living his life and his death were important on levels that go deeper and are much bigger than what we comprehend on a daily basis.
We all feel that if we did something different in our relationships with Karl, he might still be here today. Or maybe wouldn't have passed a troubled soul; the reality we know deep down is that there wasn't anything we could do. 

Here's to you MacDaddy Marinko - you goat-head and rest in peace!

You will always be a part of me.

So I fell in love Tuesday night

First I have to preface this by acknowledging that what I am about to confess is pretty sad. I have no life.
It seems that these days the highlight of my week is American Idol. What a loser.
I have my favorites of course. This season has me falling in love every week with at least one of them.
I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have a life right now or, if it’s because these kids are top of the line. I prefer to believe the latter.
Carly Smithson always invokes emotion in me. I love her. She should win. However this week, David Cook could own me if he wanted to. I think I fell in love for that minute and a half. And of course, again when I replayed it. He has been one of my favorites every week but Tuesday...what he did with that Michael Jackson song... and his big fat huge enormous bag of talent.... that awkward fat skull of his (which by the way, is the exact same shape and size as my late ex-husband Karl... I didnt like it on him very much either) but I digress.
They had to do songs from the year of their birth. David Cook was born in 82. Michael Jacksons Reigning Year as "king of pop". David did Billy Jean and took the Pop right out of it. So awesome. I want it on my profile.... David Cooks version, that is. *sighs* but It is not available. I think it might be on itunes or whatever but I am still in the 90’s and I don’t do the ipod....yet.

Thank you for hearing my confession.

Marinko out.

In the quiet morning...

In the quiet morning...
I long to wake you up.

The night brought quite a storm and,
We gave each other up.

In the fields of corn when,
We used to become one

In the brightest form then...
My world was basking in your sun.

In the quiet morning,
Is where you leave me be.

In the quiet morning...
I want you here with me.

Written: Sept 25, 2005
Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko

Masquerades

Masquerades
who are you to judge me?

I loathe those behind facade.

Phony flatterers in grand charade.

Fabrication and pretty praise,

Then down their nose at you, they gaze.

Assuming to be of higher stance.

Humility has no chance.


Distorted testimony to discredit your soul

And rare vocabulary just for show

Hurtful with a smile and sermon

How dare they implicate us as vermin?

Their eloquent pontification

Its still impudent condemnation.


I am scarce with shallow need

What a shame your ego's greed.

How dare you project your darkness on me?

How dare you refuse to behave respectfully?

How dare accuse me of desperation?

How dare you belittle me with implication?



Vague, cryptic and quite absurd.

Disenchanting are your words.

Talk in circles for effect

We get it. You're an intellect.

Now get some meaning and be forthright

Leave your costume home tonight.


© 2008

Melinda Marinko

Un-Addicted

So the other day I'm in the car with my son and of course he's blasting the music. He compromises most of the time and will put in a mix of stuff I like too. (He's such a good boy) Anyway, we were listening to a cd my Daughter put together and one of the songs was 'Its Been A While' by Staind. It get's to the line where he says,

and Its Been a while since I could say, that I wasnt addicted and...

David turns to me and says "wow Mom, you now can say that you aren't addicted". This is because I've quit smoking, I guess. I told him that I worry that I'm addicted to goodies. I can pass up that shot of Jack or a cigarette but put a brownie or a cookie in my face and I'll most likely eat it.

The reality hit me. I'm not addicted. To anything. Since I was about 10 years old I've been always at least addicted to nicotene, a lot of times addicted to multiple substances at once. Now? Nothing. I'm not addicted to anything. No Rehab. I don't do meetings frequently. I went to a few but most are in such a bad part of town that I don't go. This is pretty amazing. Now I am trying to get addicted to working out and exercise. Without all those vices I've packed on some tonnage but I'm working on it. Someday I will be fine as hell again but,Un-addicted.

Pic of the Day

No comment necessary

Karl L. Marinko 1961 - 2007

Dear Karl,

I cannot believe I will never talk to you or hear from you again. I just found out today. I sent you an email last night. I am so grateful for our last visit together. That was 2005. We made our peace. We were friends always from the beginning. You gave me so much and I know I expressed my humble gratitude the last I saw you but now I don't feel it was enough. I have and will always carry a part of you with me. Our Humor was the best part of us and only one of the great things about you, Karl you will sorely be missed by countless hearts.

My ex husband died and I didn't know it. I found out by searching for him on You Tube. I had been thinking about him so much lately. We were married from 8/15/99 to 8/22/00. (We spent Y2K together)
Here is the link to his Obit: http://www.legacy.com/MarinIJ/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=95484248

Then you were gone

I had a dream with you last night
and you told me your secrets so real.
Then we journeyed to the other side
riding on a brand new wheel.

Whispers caressed my ears
as your embrace engulfed my soul.
Moments lasted like years
as the sun fell into snow.

The sound of your own melody
filled the meadow where we lay.
With the feel of familiar memories
we ran naked across the blade.

Oceans of laughter crashed on our shore
as we played carelessly in the sand.
Silken sheets of rain did pour
we found shelter and you took my hand.

You said,

"I know right now we can not be
still we dream and find a way
until I'm finally free...
I'll meet you in these dreams to
play"

You touched me and I was shaking
with a feeling oh, so strong.
And I felt you still
as I was waking....
Reaching out
Then you were gone.
Reaching out then you were gone.

Lyrics and melody by,
Melinda Lantz-Marinko

Premonition of mine in 1990 (click here)

Yes. I drew this in the year 1990.

So many have much to say

and many wonder.

I can't find a way

to stop the thunder.

Lightening saw the night

as pain has seen my soul.

Am I wrong or right

to have my dreams and goals?

Some day the time will stop

to show us what is real

into a fruitless crop

to show us how we feel.

So wave "so long", my friend

as we drift so far apart.

So sorry this must end

so sorry is my heart.

My Dad

My Dad went in for surgery June 26th to have his esophagus removed because of the cancer. Well, his stomach had to be removed also because the cancer had spread farther than previously thought. They had to graft from his colon to create a stomach. It’s a very intense shock to the system this type of surgery. He is still in ICU. Some days he is getting better and other days there seems to be set backs.
On the 3rd day when one of the chest tubes was removed, air got in his chest cavity and started to collapse his lung so they inserted something they call a pigtail. After a week or so that wasn’t sufficient so yesterday they had to insert another tube through his back. Needless to say, he isn’t very comfortable and hasn’t been since the surgery. He also got an infection they hadn't been able to identify but, fortunately, the antibiotics are beginning to work and his white blood cell count is on the decline.
My Dad’s an active fit man so I believe this will help in his recovery. Still he’s frustrated being bed-bound. This compounded by having to be “NPO” meaning: he cannot eat or drink anything orally.
He has many people that care about him and I know that helps, prayers help too. I am there with him every day because there is nowhere else I’d rather be right now. I just wish there were more I could do for him.

CELL A Novel by Stephen King

My Dad has been having Chemo treatments and this means we spend hours every few weeks at the clinic for infusions and tests, etc. So I went to the library last week to find a book or two for us to read. I wanted to get page turners so I looked to see if there were any Stephen King books that I hadnt yet read. There it was: CELL, a novel. By the second page turn I was in it. This story drops one into an unimaginable scenario that takes hold and I actually found myself wishing I had a seat belt or a protective helmet to wear for the ride. While reading it I looked at people on their cell phones differently. I even asked my Dad when he reached for his cell to make a call, "are sure you want to use that?" This book will surely be movie someday and I hope Mr. King finds the best movie makers to do it justice. I suggest that everyone that thinks they've prepared for every possible terrorist attack, read this book. It'll make you think. The truth is that the possibility of this premise actually happening is nill yet, it will still make you think diffently.

Where's Mel?

I haven't posted anything for a while because I've been a little pre-occupied. MyDad was diagnosed with esophageal/gastric cancer in february. It is a signet ring cell type. its very agressive. He started his first round of Chemo 8 days ago. he is doing suprisingly well with that but they do say the more rounds the worse the side affects. his next round is in a couple of weeks. I just want this man to live for a long long time. I just started to get to know him a few years ago and well, he's pretty awesome. I'm staying with him here in San Pedro California and have been since he was diagnosed. All prayers are appreciated. I will keep you all posted. thanks for checkin in and looking out! Peace.

Silly Mel!

Walk or Fly?

I haven't had to use dial up for over two years. These past 5 - 6 weeks I have had to go without the majority of life's creature comforts... and I've been very patient but this dial up situation might be the thing that sends me over the edge and breaks me.

(You see: I gave up my apartment, sold and gave away everything in it. The plan didn't come together, things... "fell through" and timing became my worst enemy. So we wait. On the couch I wait. Somehow without realizing it I lost the power to do anything about it. Just wait. The last time I didn't have even a room or a closet of my own without at least owning a car was...ummm... well, never! ) Of course this is all temporary!!

I enjoy quite time. Privacy. Clothes on hangers.... and fast efficient excution of technological applications. What I used to accomplish online in about 10 - 15 minutes, takes over an hour now. Actually I just lose patients after that time and give up.

It's like needing to get to NY from LA but instead of flying the only mode of transportation available is walking. I wouldn't even make it to Barstow.

Feb 2007 Pic's of Mel

Aimester Productions

Check out this Website. (click the title of this post) It is Aimee Galicia Torres an up and coming Movie writer and director. I am hoping to work with her in the future!!

Life Made Simple

I would achieve epic success above any expectations if I could shed light on the answer to the turmoil , My life can rise above being marred by disappointment, perceptional and irrational fear of loneliness caused by and consumed in my own toxic thoughts:.
I only wish I had it in me to be more effective, proficient in the art of showing or sharing, educating one basic truth that holds the key.
It is this: Once grown and out of the nest… no matter how that nest had raised and nurtured us, our state of mind, peace and happiness or whatever we find in life is completely and ultimately up to us alone. We hold 98% of power over our own lives – no one else does. Not even God has that power over us. We must choose it or it will not be. It’s all a state of mind.

Unfortunately, we often hand over that control to others by giving them permission to treat us badly. This is done in many different ways ranging from apologizing to them for not being good enough to, being vicious or negatively provocative ourselves.

The most damaging surrender of power is when we fail to rise above disappointment or abuse continuing to live wounded and victimized regardless of how far in the past it is.

Staying true to one’s own self and well being, letting go, even letting God, consistently living purposeful and consciously, moving on is, courageous living that doesn’t usually come easily. However, it is a choice and a gift that not only shines light on your life but also warms those that truly love you.

We can’t control actions or events brought on by others but we can choose how we react to, perceive, or take away from, them.
Ironically simplistic in that it is, the most complicated, hard as hell lesson to actually live and apply to everyday life.


I stopped handing over control when I refuse to accept that I deserve to be treated in any degrading belittling way. I am not some bottom feeder. I am not cruel or a thief. You might believe that it is selfish to have preservation for myself. But without self worth how could be worthy? I would not expect anything different than I am willing to extend or return myself. But I don’t need attention so that I will accept cruelty or put my energy into a dishonest selfish person that will bring disappointment and pain rather than growth, companionship.

Although the rationale within me would not have it any other way, it is nonetheless difficult to accept that I cannot expect or demand anything of another. How they behave, or how they treat and relate to me is their choice - alone. I do have the power to expect of myself a level of behavior and compassion for other’s that at least conveys we are all worthy of the same.

Too often I feel the hardest thing in life I find is having the energy and strength to love myself enough to shine.

Tea for 2 (click here too)

but it's not sane

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Would you see a fleeting Rainbow ... or a label?

It matters little to me if people have presumptions about my sexual orientation. (I'm not screwing anyone so whatever) but It does matter to me if people draw these conclusions
because they assume I'd label myself. What I
am trying to say is... if I were to
use a rainbow back ground on this page
would you assume I am telling the world
that I am gay .
No. I am not Gay. Yes I have No opinions about
the sexual orientation of others, who they
choose to be happy or miserable with.
Straight or Gay Judgements are NOT
where this Rant was Born!!
I'd say this because a natural optical phenomenon
dating back to the first ever set of seeing eyes should not be
limited to being an icon or a label. So this post is
for everybody or anybody that uses a rainbow image as a
label to make public their sexual preference... and to
everybody and anybody that assumes that a rainbow is always and only the
aforementioned label.



When I was a little girl I loved to draw colorful pictures. Crayons, colored pencils, water colors - always used up fast. The problem was that I didn't have a "knack" or natural talent for drawing. I did however find that a simple house, yard, A sunny and blue sky with a cloud or two was easy and the only ridicule that my older sibling gave me about them would be regarding the color I'd choose for the house. (I settled on brown because I hated feeling stupid all the time).

Eventually I grew bored with this same scene. I started adding rainbows. I probably drew thousands of rainbows. A lot of times rainbows by themselves. As I got older I collected rainbow stickers, wall hangings.... (unicorns with rainbows). My school binders had rainbows on them. Rainbow designs were my favorite and usually picked them over any others. I even had a white shirt with a big ol' rainbow on the front of it that I wore often. ( I have a picture somewhere with me in it... ) Would you believe that nobody thought I was gay? A lot of my friends and classmates loved rainbows, also.

In southern California rainbows were few and far between.
I believe far more people stop to view the rainbows than "stop to smell the roses".
The sight of a rainbow in the sky is a fleeting beautiful occurrence not to be taken for granted.

Now if I wear a rainbow, display anything with a rainbow or decorate anything with a rainbow... it would be labeling myself as gay. A lesbian badge, so to speak.

How arrogant and presumptuous for a group of people who believe that their personal sex lives are who they are to claim something like the rainbow as an icon.
On the other hand, have they considered that they've chosen a label lacking actual substance, or depth?

A rainbow does not actually exist at a location in the sky, but rather is an
optical phenomenon ...

An optical illusion is characterized by visually perceived images that, at least in common sense terms, are deceptive or misleading.

To this I say:

RELINQUISH THE RAINBOW!!!!!!

BOWLING FOR TAMPONS

Why do people believe that there is some sort of obligation to hook up with someone just because there is no one else available? Sorry. I wasn't hungry; I'll pass on the crab and Loin chop. No really, thank you...

A so-called friend of mine tried to tell me that I am to quick to go inward not being open to the opportunities to what "I need" I dont NEED anything. He believes I need him. He is wrong.

I am always very outspoken and clear that:
I'm not interested in laying, staying, or obeying.

He gave me the impression he understood by actually saying :"I understand your aversion Mel"


He forgot to tell me however, what his continuing expectations were as a "friend". He expects "at least deserves" someone to be his emotional tampon and his biggest fan all at the same time.


Sorry I don't like bowling all that much. Nor will I miss not laughing and won't miss being expected to to powder his ass and tell him that its special!!

My disdain and loathing of the bullshit scenario of " significant other" is unlikely to cease anytime soon. I refuse to buy into that shit any more... and I wont fuck to fuck, either.

Daily Grind

Be glad you aren't this guy!
Click Here to See Why

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Thanksgiving at Black Angus

My brother (left), my mother and Step Sister Sheryl on the right. You must agree this is a great picture. I risked my life to get this shot ... (I was standing in the middle of the parking lot entrance) and it was worth it.
I was my Family's personal Paparazzi last night.

Who was the Ad wizard that came up with this one?

We all hate those annoying banner ads and pop ups... (don't we?) Even with the pop up blocker somehow advertisers like casalmedia still pop up.

Well I was just reading a news story on kgw.com when a man walked onto the lower left side of my screen and asked me if I was in the market for a truck. (no I haven't been drinking and I'm not high.)

He was wearing a T-shirt with toyota.com on it. I have to be honest, I was not annoyed.
I was amazed, it a Man standing inside my monitor, almost looked 3d. I was just sitting here with my mouth open. I didn't click on his shirt because I'm not in the Market for a truck, but impressed none-the-less.

Then he just faded away like Bewitched or Genie.

Very clever advertising with state of the art marketing tools, if you ask me.

Love Stories

I watched two movies tonight. The Lake House and The Break Up. Cried... at some point in each one. I hate love stories. Well really the truth is I hate that they always move me so much and I hate that I love them. I think because I would rather live them than watch them because they always -correction- ALMOST always have a happy or perfect ending and well, life doesn't... at least so far.

Going Back to Cali'

It seems like getting ass back to So Cal is taking forever. First a gut wrenching stomach flu then a pneumonia like head and chest cold so severe I've actually quit smoking. (me! not smoking! me - who has smoked so long I couldnt imagine ever not smiking and really honestly can not remember life before cigarettes) I don't have any traveling money yet and was hoping to work a bit to make some before i leave but I have been ill for almost 3 weeks!

Worrying about my son is not helping either. I know he's an adult now. But just because he is 19 years old doesnt mean that he is ready and mature enough.

I feel that I have failed him. I haven't been a pillar of stability or a model of success for him. I failed to ensure that he live within guide lines and learn to take responsibility this year. I was powerless to stop him from throwing everything away incliding his goals and direction.

I would feel so much better if he was going to Cali too. Where - dare I say it? - where his father can be an influence and role model and help him through the transition from childhood and dependence to adulthood and independence.


Aaargghhhh

21 grams

It brings me no pleasure to learn of your loss and pain.
I want to say more but I can't seem to resurrect what has long been soaking in apathy - the safest place to lay to rest thoughts, feelings, hope and compassion (in a world where nobody really "love's". Not beyond the words, anyway)
this is where I found that nothing matters because we are fools to think that anybody - even our own flesh and blood will stand behind us.
Any minute they will turn. It may seem as there is no reason, or that their minds and hearts were poisoned by someone else... but there's always the bottom line factor.
The devotion to getting and having and/or protecting and keeping money or "ends".
The person that has more in pocket seems to have less in their heart.
No matter how much "love and loyalty" exists between family, friends, lovers ... everything
is only worth it's weight in gold, so to speak.
And last time I checked, the human soul only weighs 21 grams.

In honor of the 5 year anniversary of 9/11

Yes I know it's a couple days late but consider I wrote and sketched this 10 years & 11 months before "9/11" actually happened. I had just turned 21.
I never put these two works together until 2001. Although I did them within days - weeks of eachother I never made the connection. There is only one person in the drawing yet, the poem speaks of many.

I titled it: "Who Were They" because at the time I wrote it I had no idea who these people were. Whose story flowed from me onto paper effortlessly and without pause.
I would ask anyone that would take the time to read it what their interpretation was asking , "who were they?"

All those years prior 2001 there was no right or wrong answer. I heard a lot of interesting takes on it ranging from, the lost city of Atlantis to the Vietnam war.
The only thought I had was that I had to include: "who, where, when, why, what and how"

After rereading it many times I concluded that each reference to "they" isn't necessarily about the same "they" in each and every verse while the entire piece is obviously about a collective event that they and "they" all seperately played a part in, so to speak.

Have I lost you yet? Welcome to the mind of Mel!
(I analyze therefore I am)

Since 9/11 I've brought this out to some of my friends and family that had given their opinions all those years ago and they, like me, get a little chill from it.
My brother also pointed out that the man in the drawing kinda resembles Rudy Giuliani.

Who Were They?
© Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko 1990

I wonder what it was that started
As their faces filled with fear?
And why it was that they were parted
From those they held so dear?

I wonder why it happened this way
The lives twisted around?
And who it was that would have to pay
The people on the ground?

I wonder how they all turned out
Those souls lost in the crowds.
Or what it was that had filled them with doubt?
The faces in the shrouds.

I wonder where they could be right now?
They’ve hidden from the rain.
Or when they said they've made a vow
To never live in vain?

I wonder who led them all away
On to a safer place?
And where it was they fell to pray?
The ones who fell from grace.

I wonder if they plan to come back
To face what’s left behind?
And why it was that the evil pack
destroyed all it could find?

© Art and verse original works of
Melinda Marinko (formerly Lantz-Theissen)
Created in October 1990

A Van Down by the River!

I used to live in a van down by the river until they posted this sign:

Nobody has an ounce of passion for anything outside of their ego and empty pit of want and and need.
The humble man is instinct.
Love is a four letter word and you....
you are just another Debunked haunting...standing aside all the other ghosts I once thought to be real.

I just find this world so completely dissapointing.
EVERYTHING is backwards.
Nobody is ever what they pretend to be. Nobody has any balls.

Trix are for Kids

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Have a complaint?

Ever have a jelly fish pumped into your scuba diving suit.... into your ass?
This is a question you should ask yourself the next time you are having a bad day at work! (Don’t ask.)

Ever wake up Christmas morning to find that your gifts are 3 dead puppies?
No?
Well now, that fruit cake or those socks don’t seem so bad, do they?

It's all been down hill... for so long. Now I don't even care.
Maybe you thought I'd make it...or just don't know that I'm not even there.

Memories shadowed by yesterday.
Nothing has a hold on me... it's pulling me away.
My heart lives like a piece of ice - numbered days - melting all the time.

Tell me now that I've gone off on my own why I'd miss you?
Nothing on my shoulder I'm weightless but....
Wake me before I get the chance to fly.

I'd give you my chains link by link if life was just a dream....
But I'm only blaming truth for what's become of me.

The same chains that hold me down could set me free.

R.A.P.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Trying To Get By

Eternally knowing
and not to forget
Infectious and growing
but not to regret

Shamelessly blaming
the ones who don't know
smokeless flaming
and failing to glow

impossibly trying
to make it all great
unstoppably crying
to make it all wait

incurably yearning
trying to get high
reluctantly learning
trying to get by

painfully healing
the wounds of youth
constantly feeling
the wounds of truth

intensely ignoring
the things that you hear
immensely exploring
the things that you fear


Melinda Lantz Marinko
copyright 1990

My son, my heart... My David Julian. I miss you.

Although he wrote this a few years ago... Lately this is my poem to him.

"RAIN"

You creep in the shadows...

Your Demons consume you in hellish fire

You dance for them like a marionette puppet

The ones you love just watch in torment

Your pain tears me apart

And I am helpless against the intense flames

I fall to my knees and pray for a cleansing rain

But my prayers fall on deaf ears

Will I be forever subjected to watch the torment?

Or will that rain finally come?

By, David Julian Theissen

Copyright 2003

Lightening Hits Apartment Complex in Canby OR.

Well we just got hit with lightening. It was the loudest thing I ever heard.
The power went out as it cracked then went back on.
Luckily no one was hurt and no fires started.

Childhood

Classmates is always sending those annoying emails and they have banners all over the place. We all eventually go to the site and sign up, add our schools... why not? It's free.
Then one day your very first real friend from kindergarten through 3rd or 4th grade finds you and everything floods back. You smile and say "wow!"
Then it occurs to you how big of a part they've played in your childhood. Maybe even who you are. Then wonder, what if your family hadn't moved and continued to go to the same schools and graduated together....

That is if you were me.

Poetry... What I have left, anyway

PAINTING THE RAINBOW

Living is green - the color of growing.
You’re part of the scene - you're naturally showing.

Anger is red - the color of blood.
Going out of your head? Now rise above.

Being is clear - no color at all.
And things that you fear - will color your fall.

Craving is purple - the color that's rare.
You jump over hurtles to find yourself there.

Decision is gray - the color between.
You bend and you sway. On one thing you lean.

Loving is gold - worthy of wealth.
Don’t let it be sold or laid on a shelf.

Your sins are all black - the colors combined.
You can’t take them back there is no rewind.

Life is a rainbow you paint everyday.
The 'you' that you show the life you display.


Copyright 2002



ON THE RISE
I feel it on the rise,
Boiling down just beyond.
I hear it with my eyes,
scenic sounds now they're gone.
I keep it with my gifts,
Set it free inside this cage.
I steal it like a kiss,
Damned by glory loved by rage.
I dream it all day long,
Fearless doubt hopeful loss.
Righteous doing wrong,
curve-less shapes desert moss.
I know it with my flesh,
Surface depths empty lust.
Shaded under mesh,
the bird undressed, then turned to dust.

I BREATHE
I walk and I hear
My spirit again.
You talk and I'm near
To where it begins.
I breathe and you feel
I am more than my skin.
We see and it's real
As it comes from within.



I AM OUT HERE.....
For my Daughter Alyssa Rose
I am out here, out here once again,
Yet so much has changed
And it's all from within.

I have been there, where the light has no home
Where I felt swallowed up, lost and alone.

I am out here and you're so far away
My colors are gray and I fall and I pray.

You are out there and your spirit is strong.
Out there, where it seems
You're there all alone.

The angels are where
You need them to be,
To catch all your tears and bring them to me.


SOMETHING LESS
Later than an Early Bird
Fainter than a whispered word.
Easy as a mastered task
Leaking through a crafted mask.
Brighter in the depths of thought
Lighter than the sinking rock.
Dying like a beating heart
Loving just to fall apart.

SEVEN
You and me and turning leaves
Spirits free no longer believe.
the horsemen near
and the sky is falling.
uncover your ears Your life is calling.
Have courage to face
all that you regret
hold tight onto grace...
or is it too late for that?
I'll see you in heaven
with the light all around you
this last sign was seven
let's go where we're bound to.









FAITH LIGHT
Love is the only, the all, the reason we're here.
Hate is a symptom, the actions, the outcome of fear.
Mine is not giving, not having or living, but the spoon.
Blind is the anger, the hater, the one forgetting so soon.
Light comes from within us, to guide us, a force from above.
Faith is our option, assistant, the drive empowering love.
Ours is not lonely, not shallow nor riddled with doubt.
Together, we would find peace and a purpose, what life is about.



Beyond the Emerald Glass
Deep beyond the emerald glass lies a thought in which you breath
lost inside my twisted hopes ... and a face of make believe.
I'm consumed and always knowing ... the emptiness is you
All I have is this desire ...... Yet you haven't got a clue
In depths, void of heart or soul
I've found a place to hide.
Where the silence cannot find me but the laughter passes by.
How could it be I feel this way -- you hardly know me true
I used to be aloof and proud -- alone, but without you.






A VICE TO TEND
I purchased a feeling,
But now its much too high.
I find I thought of healing,
I think I found the Sky.
Masquerading in my Mirror...

Taught and forgot to know.
I watched while surfing fears,
Smiled yet, hurt too much to grow.
Side stepped .... and Off the road
(again) I know -
Whole or not: Its Down to go.

Brought forth the echoes.... Numb toes....
Gray rainbows, no mind and no soul.
I lost my goal.... Paid the tolls....
All it stole... and I'm on a roll.
If I don't bend
Against this trend, reach an end,
I'll never mend
With a vice to tend.

I must Live Love and Laugh again.








REFLECT-ABILITY
Quietly reflect into the waves
that are crashing on your sand.
Bringing with them an ever-changing power
that is beyond your own hand.
Absorb the mist; the taste; the smell;
the sounds of all you see.
Letting each approach
with a grasp of what's to come....
Then, quickly...
Set it free.
LESSONS
Souls of Simple Lessons
Enveloped in the smoke
Of their burning Delirium;

Confronting a shadow,
Implicating a thought;
Severed by their reasoning...
Then scattered throughout the ashes,
The Cinders of Sanity.
Creativity Illusive… Peace is just a vision.

After the passing they will return.
The cycle… the steps of wisdom
Our calling young & old.

Melinda Marinko
1994





September to February

Frail temper
sleeveless heart
Last September
I fell apart
Scars and stains
thoughtless friends
Just remains
of a toxic blend
Hopeful winter
an early spring
Over dinner,
I learned some things
Giddy for hours
vivid dreams
Finding power
And the means

Melinda Marinko
Feb. 2005


Isis Osiris
I found you are here
I was not sure if I was searching at all.
I looked into your eyes for so long, and.... Ohhh...
I should have known
I knew you once before or more
and it is you
I always find my way into your arms....
In your life.
When you hold me,
do you feel? Do you know what it is....
As I cannot seem to find the words to say?
Could it be you & I
yesterday Osiris or Isis...,
I am sure it was bliss.
Could you close your eyes and find your way back....
Into a moment, so far away
when we both saw days, passing into lifetimes.

Melinda lantz-theissen
1997

On Air

Implications everywhere
around me on the floor.

Breathe me in 'cause I'm on air
and dripping down your door.

Inspiration melts in me
and blends into my core.

With powers from the blessed be
bleeding into more.

Melinda Marinko


The Emerald Glass
Deep beyond the emerald glass
lies a thought in which you breath
lost inside my twisted hopes ...
and a face of make believe.
I'm consumed and always knowing ...
the emptiness is you
All I have is this desire ......
Yet you haven't got a clue
In depths, void of heart or soul
I've found a place to hide.
Where the silence cannot find me
but the laughter passes by.
How could it be I feel this way --
you hardly know me true
I used to be aloof and proud --
alone, but without you.
Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko 1991

JADED

To be honest with you I do not think anyone carries a more jaded outlook or complete absence of "giving a shit" about anything…, anymore, than I do.
I’ve found there is absolutely no one that a person could believe in or trust.
The entire 9,999,000,000,000 (or what ever the ungodly population of earth is now), are just soul-less beating hearts wrapped in flesh parading around this planet as human beings. Living always just in the moment. Practicing their lies and lines, even pissin’ on whoever is too close to them, spinning blindly ever inward. Dedicated only to being the caretaker of his or her own superficial desires, cravings and perceived needs.
Money, Sex, “ends”, status, pride, want, self-pity and separate thinking is all people seem to be made of in this world.
If this is not hell than what kind of crazy magical unimaginable place could heaven be?
Maybe the rapture already came and we all just don’t realize that we are the damned - the not chosen – and have been left to suffer hell on earth.

orig. Oct., 2006

"Down to the Last"

It dawned on me at dawn today...
here is near to far away.

Thought I'd find and

think I found ..
A mounted sign:

'Don't mind the sound'.

A longing for life and long may we live...
All that we gave, and what we all give.

Passed out in back... back in the past,

Up from the start

down to the last.

Melinda Marinko 2006

My Girl

My daughter, Alyssa and me January 8th, 2006.

Mind Of Mel: Kindred Spirits

Mind Of Mel: Kindred Spirits

Christmas is Over

This is my transitional week. I need to make one of two things happen. I have made some very bad decisions this lifetime. I pray I make the right one this time. My daughter's future is depending on this decision. Either way her and I will be together again.

I'm On Air

Implications everywhere
with me on the floor.

Breathe me in 'cause I'm on air
and dripping down your door.

Inspiration melts in me
blends into my core.

With powers from the blessed be
bleeding into more.


Melinda Marinko

"You have those cat eyes like my Mother!"

I will never forget Grandma telling me that. It was February 2003. I was blessed to have been able to spend her 84th birthday with her that year. We all got her favorite balloons and flowers. All of her children sent something. Even Uncle Mike had stopped by. (None of us were expecting that.) Her living room soon filled up with fragrant beautiful flowers from all over and Grandma was smiles all day. I cannot remember what gifts she received but, I clearly remember her clasping her hands together under her chin and saying "this is my best birthday ever!"
I was blessed to get to know my grandma over the past 11 years during my visits to Fort Wayne Indiana. I would spend day after day with her for anywhere from 2 to 5 weeks. I will always cherish those times.

My Grandma told me about the beautiful love affair she had with my Grandpa. They fell in love while they were still in their teens. He being 2 years older caused my Great-Great Grandparents, who were raising Grandma at the time, to forbid her from seeing him. They wrote letters to eachother until she was of age. She saved those letters all these years. I was told that my two aunts, Sue and Linda read those letters to Grandma yesterday.
Grandma died last night. She had bone cancer and was in terrible terrible pain. Grandpa died of cancer 25 years ago. They are together and with her beauty-feet they are dancing in heaven now. I know this because I remember how Grandma's eyes would light up when she would tell me how sometimes she would dream they were both young again and he came and swept her up, swung her around and they danced for what seemed like forever to her.
I am truly blessed to be offspring of such a love. A deep never-ending love.

When I left Ft. Wayne in Early March 2003 Grandma said with tears in her eyes, "I'm never going to see you again, Mindy" She hugged me so tight. We both cried.

Rest in sweet beauty peace Grandma. You deserve it.

It's a Jammie morning. Happy Friday the 9th!

Kindred Spirits

Believing that the disconnected human race here on earth are actually a part of a higher, unseen level of existence and that the souls we bring to each life aren't coming completely alone, so to speak, is the only thing keeping me from becoming a hermit. Or giving up on mankind altogether.

I've got a Little Black Book with my Poems In...

Got a bag, got a toothbrush and a comb in.

These words were true for me until November 22, 2005.
I have no idea where my black book of poems... my bag... my toothbrush nor comb among many other things I once possessed are.
These things are of no value to any other person on the face of the earth - but me. Still somebody decided that I couldn't possess these things anymore. Refused to say where they might be.

BODY? "check!" MIND?"check!" SOUL? SOUL? ~ahem..Hello?!~ SOUL?!!!

It seems that very few "bodies" posses a heart/soul at the core of their existence. What could be driving the staggering masses of people that lack moral's, scruples, compassion... or even Code*?

What I have found in so very few... far between ... is appearantly a fading element in the human condition. Unfortunately these souls with integrity and substance... are so worn down. By the dis-heartening...<<--- now I understand the bonafide definition of this.

behavior and treatment of the majority of the population around them.

Like that SUV commercial I've seen on Television recently that depicts the old models are falling into dust particles as the new Model is rolled out, could it it be that it doesn't matter any more how much "character" one has because where you've gone, how reliable you stayed on the way, the services you've renendered all while being a stellar person of high standards, morals, Code, aren't in fashion anymore? It isn't what's "new" you know? It's so passe!

*where I came from this word was used to describe a relied on tried and most certainly True, set of standards - honor really, amongst camaraderie i.e.;friends/classmates/co-workers//team-mates/clicks/.... dare I say even... thieves?)

Autumn

I have a now rare opportunity to post so I am taking it.
Today as I rode the bus through town I remembered why it is that Autumn is my favorite season. It is so messy, like I am. Yet, it is a beautiful mess. All the colors on the pallet are represented.
The sky is ever changing and unpredictable.
In Oregon the autumn sky is like no other season. There are days of fierce storms interspersed with moments of blue and patchy white clouds. The rain is sideways at times and the rainbows span the sky. The creeks are full and the trees never more beautiful.
With all the changes in my life, some ugly some grand... The changes of autumn are always the beginning of the end and the promise of a new beginning that is always welcome.
I do not know when I will have access to a computer again but, I want all those who read this to know that my recent humbling is a promise of grander things for me and inspiration to once again be the creative soul I know myself to be. I wish to share this part of me with you soon. Very soon.

confidence

Little guy not so little

There are some benefits in having A younger man. The energy. The looks. The renewed sense of youth in ones self. But the immaturity... the ignorance... the impatience, the need to get a clue about some basic things are lacking. If only they's just shut up and take their clothes off...tee hee

Who were they?

I've Been in Salem

Now I am back. Salem is not what it used to be. The poverty... the tweakers.... have taken over. It is so sad.

Pale In May

Pale in May
Winter and lace
so cold yet I sweat
and the days of blood letting
they haunt and regret
yes i am pale in May...
what time has washed away.

Summer and wool
so hot I shiver
and the days of healing
yet to deliver
when forgetting
what time has washed away.

Melinda Marinko 9/28/05

The Emerald Glass

Deep beyond the emerald glass
lies a thought in which you breath
lost inside my twisted hopes ...
and a face of make believe.
I'm consumed and always knowing ...
the emptiness is you
All I have is this desire ......
Yet you haven't got a clue
In depths, void of heart or soul
I've found a place to hide.
Where the silence cannot find me
but the laughter passes by.
How could it be I feel this way --
you hardly know me true
I used to be aloof and proud --
alone, but without you.
Melinda Lantz-Theissen Marinko

The MInd Of Mel

September

It is harder for an intelligent mind to blissfully be.
Processing all that is.... becomes a heavy weight. Misunderstood is commonplace.
The masses are not cursed with the ability to decipher the layers of reality therefore, a genius is perceived as Insane.
Have you ever entertained the notion that maybe all those committed to institutions actually were the only ones that had a clue?

Maybe the "crazy guy" yelling into the air downtown is refusing to obey the
voices of the powers that be. (No, silly! I do not hear voices. I wish I did sometimes. Maybe they could give me a clue.) God only spoke to the world 2000 + years ago? If Noah's began 50 years ago building an Ark.... he'd either be committed or outcast. If even just a few of the contributors of the Bible were submitting their stories today.... they'd be publically shamed and discredited. Maybe the earthbound with power could saturate them with poison and blow them up....

...but I digress. It seems to me that genius often turns to alteration of mood. "Head change"
There is most definately validity in the saying "Ignorance is bliss".

Mosh

No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soilNo more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyalIf we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a heroLook in his eyes its all lies

I Am In Here

I am in here
and welcome you too
Discard any fears
Climb into my view

I am out there becoming part
of your soul
It is a part that is bare And beautifully whole
I am above
the ground below your eyes
We hear no sounds
Yet realize

Copyright ©2003 Melinda S Marinko

One track - empties

Empty men who lie for lust
disrespectful they breed disgust,
attractive as swine at the trough
... all they want is to just get off
Like the talkers that refuse to hear
outside views only interfere
when all they want is in your mouth
how dare you make them go without

They try to corner you into an obligation
by creating a "few dollars" situation
I wouldn't even waste sad on them
Everything they say or do
is driven by the urge to screw
Irresponsible refusing to change
If you are pretty you only have your self to blame

I don't care if your balls turn blue,
or how much money you say you blew
I am more than just my skin ....
If you want to buy bring no less than one million

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde
... Nature, whose sweet rains fall of just and unjust alike,will have clefts in the rocks where I may hide,and secret valleys in whose silenceI may weep undetected. She will hang the night with stars so that I maywalk abroad in the darkness without stumbling,and send the wind over myfootprints so that none may track me to my hurt:she will cleanse me ingreat waters, and with bitter herbs make me whole.-- Oscar Wilde, -- "De Profundis"

http://processjunkie.blogspot.com/

Alyssa ... soo beautiful. I miss you babes.

ho hum

my big boy

Faith Light

Love is the only, the all, the reason we're here.
Hate is a symptom, the actions, the outcome of fear.

Mine is not giving, not having or living, but the spoon.
Blind is the anger, the hater, the one forgetting so soon.

Light comes from within us, to guide us, a force from above.
Faith is our option, assistant, the drive empowering love.

Ours is not lonely, not shallow nor riddled with doubt.
We can together, find peace and a purpose, what life is about.

Copyright 2005

arrrrrgghhhh!

It seems that gainful employment isn't as easy to come by unless ones idea of gainful is barely making it.... well still in the hole really.

Would you hire me?

To Whom It May Concern:

Money

Money seems to be the root of all. All that is anymore. I cannot seem to get enough of it either.

Cryptic previous Post

I was rushed off the 'puter when I wrote the last post. The point I intended to make was that; if a person is seeking divorce due to "falling in love" with someone else and there are children from the marriage then, they should be required (by law) to take those children with them. Especially if they are under the age of 10.
Here's the logic behind my thinking: The other parent that is left devastated and alone to raise the kid and mourn the lost relationship can in no way be a parent. On many levels. I am not going to go into examples or details on why. If you think about it - you'll know what I mean.

Courts of Law

If Love is God and God is Love Life wouldn't be if not for Love and if something as personal and soulful as Marriage can only be broken through a Court of Law then said courts most certainly should - NO MUST Exercise their authority by taking responsibility for the impact Divorce is having on Society and well Frankly - the existence of Life - Love and Laughter.

Painting the Rainbow

Painting The Rainbow

Living is green - the color of growing.you're part of the scene - you're naturally showing.

Anger is red - the color of blood.gone out of your head? Now rise above.

Being is clear - no color at all.and things that you fear - will color your fall.

Craving is purple - the color that's rare.you jump over hurtles to find yourself there.

Decision is gray - the color between.you bend and you sway. on one thing you lean.

Loving is gold - worthy of wealth.dont let it be sold or lay on a shelf.

Your sins are all black - the colors combined.you cant take them back there is no rewind.

Life is a rainbow you paint everyday.the 'you' that you show the life you display.

Melinda S Marinko
Copyright 2002

LADY IN WAITING Lady in waiting In a cocoon of realization Across thin ice she’s skating To reach her destination What she’ll never know is how deep it goes And when springtime comes She turns and runs. Lady in waiting On the street corner of faith Her daydreams creating Mental toxic waste What she’ll never know is how deep it goes And when her bus comes She turns and runs. Lady in waiting At dusk for the sunrise Always anticipating Until it arrives What she’ll never know is how deep it goes And when the sun comes She turns and runs. Melinda Marinko 1989

It's 2005

In the age of total world communication and sci fiction is now science NON-fiction, I feel it's time to reach out to the masses so my family and friends don't have to listen to me anymore. Now it is your turn. When I return to continue this blog (can't right now - gotta go) I will spill out onto this keyboard snack sized observations. My bowl of mixed nuts, (if you will) washed down with the fermented mind altering liquid I call the "Mind of Mel Margarita".